Blogging, Dating, Social Media, Tinder

Tinder Diary – Day 3

I’ve got my first Tinder message! It’s from Marc… “Hey how are you?” polite and friendly so far. “I have to say I think you are gorgeous” eeek! He thinks I’m gorgeous! “I’m gonna be upfront and honest” this is intriguing… “I’m only in town for a few days day, fancy some fun whilst I’m here?” Ugghhh! AS. IF!!! I spiral through a wave of emotions, excitement, shock, disappointment and devastation. He’s a catfish, he has to be. How can someone so gorgeous be 3 miles away from me and I’ve never seen or even heard of him? Obviously I didn’t respond, but I took a screen shot of the message, as well as his topless photo’s and sent them to my friends. 

I’ve been Tindering for about 3 and half days now and I’m bored already, this is not a good sign. Although Marc provided a burst of excitement I feel like he has set a rather sordid precedent. I’ve got a few more matches, but I say no about 93% of the time so I’m being really picky, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

Whilst shuffling through the unlimited potential suitors I keep seeing lists of people that we have in common, at first I don’t pay any attention to it but then I see an old friends brother and his best friend, now, I know that they are both in very happy relationships, or so I thought. What are they doing on here?? It’s not my place to tell anyone but I’m really confused, until I see someone that I KNOW would never be on Tinder, then it clicks, these are just mutual friends! Not people who are using the app! Phew! That could have been awkward.

Swiping again and I see a familiar face, most of the people I have come across that I recognize are from school so I know how I know them, but I don’t remember this guy, so I send a screenshot to Zak and ask if she knows who he is. She responds almost immediately, “chick, that’s Zoe’s* husband”… I literally just saw pictures of them with their newborn baby all over Facebook, and she is constantly posting about how happy her little family is, I guess nothing is ever what it seems. I do remember Sehrish telling me that Zoe had met her husband when he was with someone else, and he left his ex for her, I couldn’t tell if this was a case of “once a cheater always a cheater” or someone trying to play a mean game by stealing his pictures and creating a Tinder profile, either way it’s pretty messed up.

I’m beginning to see a pattern… There is a plethora of pictures of men posing either;

  1. In the gym with their tops off
  2. With their arm draped around a large wild cat 
  3. Skiing/hiking

If I come across any of the above I’m saying no because a heavily sedated wild animal is just not hot in any way shape or form, unless you’re a vet about to save it’s life. Topless gym pics are a warning sign for slightly excessive narcissism and I can’t be dealing with someone who is prettier than me, every time you look at me I’ll just feel like you’re trying to see your reflection in my glasses. And skiing and/or hiking is a no because I am so incredibly accident prone I’ll be a massive hindrance and you’ll probably have to carry me half way, so technically I’m thinking of you. To each her own, I may not like the above pictures but a lot of girls do, so pose away guys, pose away.

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And finally, fake profiles. You can imagine my surprise when I came across Xabi Alonso, player for FC Bayern Munich, only his name was James, aged 30 and he was about 6 miles away. Had I not been subjected to countless football games in my previous relationship I would have no idea who this was, probably say yes and be overjoyed if we matched. (Xabi is in my top 3 football player crushes, after Beckham and Pique of course). If someone has no mutual friends, no Instagram account and their pictures look a little too perfect chances are they’re not real.

So far I’m not loving it guys, it feels very shallow, judging someone by their pictures and hoping that they like mine… I need actual interaction but it’s early days so I’m not giving up just yet, maybe I should speak to some other Tinder users, see if they have had any success.

The next post will be about what you guys think about Tinder, give me a shout and let me know how you feel on @88Shaunna Twitter

S x

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Blogging, Cheating, Relationships

“Cheater, Cheater, Compulsive Eater” – The Other Woman’s Story

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It is often said that there are 3 sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth… Between the cheater, cheated and the other man/woman it is not fair to say one is more honest than the other. But, before we delve into the politics of cheating let’s have a look into how the “other women” felt, maybe it will answer questions that you have often wanted to ask. 

Q – How did you meet? A – At work, he was 8 years older and had a senior position. I started working with him a year after I joined the company,I had to have monthly review meetings with him so we were communicating frequently.

Q– Did you know that he was in a relationship/married? A – I knew he was married

Q – Was he happy in his relationship? A – At first it seemed like he was content in his relationship, but as I spent more time with him I learnt that there was not much left of the marriage and they were both unhappy with each other (or so he said)

Q – Who made the first move? A – We started spending more and more time together after work and had long phone conversations, it felt innocent as none of us admitted to the reason behind it all. One day he told me that he liked me, that’s when the can of worms opened and i knew I couldn’t pretend any more.

Q – Are you still with him? A – No

Q – How did it end?  A – He wanted commitment and a marriage (ironic, considering he was the married one and I was single). I wasn’t prepared for the baggage (4 kids). He tried to push me to commit to him and marry him in secret but I didn’t want to and realized he wasn’t for me. It was just a short term thing for me. I tried to keep it going and wanted things to be the way they were before (meeting for secret lunches, long phone calls) he wanted more though so I finished it. He said that if I wasn’t prepared to give him commitment he didn’t want to continue.

Q – What did you do together (what kind of dates?) A – Lunch dates, cinema trips, Dinner dates, sight seeing in Europe (he took me away for the weekend)

Q – Did you love him? A – I thought I loved him at the time.

Q – Would you be with him if he was single? A – Not now, no.

Q – Do you still speak? A – Only when I have to, he owes me £1.5

It’s safe to say that situation didn’t end well… Regardless of how “unhappy” he was in his marriage “it was just a short term thing” seems a cold and detached way to describe an affair with a married father of four. Had I not known this person I would assume that she couldn’t care less about what she had done, but the reality of it is she cried and agonized over her situation for a long time, it’s easy to point fingers and make judgments but you never know where life will take you or what you might end up doing.

The below experience is very similar, it is no better or worse that the previous interview it just provides a different perspective.

Q – How did you meet? A – At work,  he was in a different team but we had to work together for several projects.

Q – Did you know that he was in a relationship/married? A – Yes, one of the first things he told me was that he had a long term girlfriend.

– Was he happy in his relationship? –  Whenever he talked about his partner it was in a positive light, their relationship seemed pretty perfect, always trying new things together but able to maintain a balance that allowed them plenty of time apart to pursue their own hobbies.

Q –  How did it make you feel knowing that regardless of how happy he was in his relationship that he still wanted you? A – Cheap. No one wants to be the second choice, and that’s exactly what I was. He showered me with compliments, made me feel like I was the most attractive, captivating and funny woman in the world but somehow I always felt like the worst version of myself.

 Q – Who made the first move? – He did. He made several first moves but I didn’t want to believe that someone as happy and ‘committed’ would be making advances.

Q – What do you mean several first moves? A –  He’d take me out for lunch but we’d end up doing something random and quite sweet like dancing in a park or climbing a tree or he’d send an ambiguously flirty message then tell me outright that he wanted me. 

– Are you still with him? –  Was I ever really with him? No, is the simple answer, we are no longer involved.

– How did it end? – I told him that we couldn’t continue seeing one another, I knew he wasn’t going to end his relationship and I didn’t really want him to, at least not for my benefit, so I ended it.

– What did you do together (what kind of dates?) A – We went on long walks around secret gardens, had cozy pub dinners, went for cocktails, the cinema… Fairly normal dates.

Q – Did you love him? A – Can I skip this one? … Getting over him was incredibly painful and I never thought that it would hurt as much as it did when it ended, so on some level I guess you could say I did.

Q – Would you be with him had he been single? A – No, I can’t trust him.

Q – Do you still speak? A – We don’t speak regularly, we have no reason to but I wouldn’t malice him.

Q –  Did his partner ever find out? A – Not to my knowledge, but I do feel like she would have her suspicions…

Q – Do you feel any remorse? A – Of course! I have always said that I would never cheat, and just because I wasn’t in a relationship it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t helping someone else be unfaithful. 

Q – Thinking purely about how you felt about him, would you do it again? And why? A – No, as messed up as this will sound, he lied to me. I asked him if he had ever cheated before and he said he hadn’t but after we finished I found out that he had been having “an affair” with me and hooking up with several other people… Serves me right.

Just because he wasn’t married and children weren’t involved it doesn’t make it any less wrong. It sounds to me as is if her heart was broken, do I think she deserved it? No, but getting involved with someone who is already taken only ever ends with heartache and you can’t guarantee that it won’t be yours.

In summation, if there are three sides to every story does that apply to an affair? Who is telling “the truth”? Honestly? I think that when a man or a woman tells someone other than their partner that they love them, in that moment it is the truth, or at least they believe it to be. When the other man/woman says that this is the last time they will meet their lover in secret, they mean it, until the next time. And finally, when the cheated partner denies ever knowing or suspecting infidelity they badly want to believe their own words.

For the final installment of Cheater, Cheater Compulsive Eater we will be talking to The Cheated, if you have any questions or comments please let me know on Twitter @88Shaunna or comment below.

S x

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Cheating, Relationships

“Cheater, Cheater, Compulsive Eater”

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Once a cheater always a cheater..?

After learning that someone has been unfaithful the one thing you want to know is “why”, I took the time to meet with an old friend to discuss that very question in an attempt to delve a little deeper into the thought process of someone who has cheated.

Dean and Stacey worked together and had been dating for about a year when Ayesha joined the team, she was also in a long term relationship and the total opposite of Stacey. Where Stacey was shy and sweet with porcelain skin and auburn hair Ayesha was rude, flirtatious and a lover of the lime light with dark features.

Q – Would you agree with the term “once a cheater always a cheater”? A – Not at all, not every partner is the same; just because I have cheated it doesn’t mean that every man out there will.

Q – Have you cheated again since or been tempted to? A – No.

Q – Why were you unfaithful? A – We shouldn’t have been together at that point, I had wanted to end it with Stacey for some time but I just couldn’t do it… It sounds harsh but the affair suited us [me and Ayesha] as there was no commitment and no real risk.

Q – Did you feel guilty or regret? A – I felt guiltier about the fact that there were people hiding it for me, people at work who were my close friends but I knew they would never say anything. As for regret… Not really as no one got hurt, Stacey never knew and it ended amicably.

Q – Did you love your girlfriend or Ayesha? A – I still cared for her… But I never loved Ayesha, it was more about the excitement.

Q – Have you ever been cheated on or witnessed someone being unfaithful? A – I’ve not been cheated on to my knowledge (he looks dubious). But when I was 18, a friend of mine was away on holiday for 2 weeks; whilst he was gone his girlfriend was having an affair with our mutual friend. I approached him and told him that he would have to come clean after my girlfriend at the time insisted I said something, he actually asked me to tell our friend when he returned.

Q – Did you ever think that you would be capable of cheating? A – I don’t think anyone does, I never set out to cheat it.

Q – Would you say that there are signs to look out for when someone is playing away? A – It depends on the living situation, if you live with your partner and they’re not coming home or coming in a lot later than normal then that’s going to make you suspicious. But you can’t generalize, anyone is capable.

Q – How long did the affair go on for and how did it end? A – We saw each other for about 3 months, it naturally fizzled out, and we decided to end it.

Sitting across from Dean it’s not clear if he feels the weight of what he did, maybe because he wasn’t caught or maybe because it happened over 6 years ago but I knew him then and I know him now. He was young, reckless and selfish and that is no excuse but I’d like to think that he knows himself well enough to step away from a relationship before being unfaithful again.

I have met people who have been painfully unhappy and needed to escape from the strain of their situation, or others who were in full and loving relationships but loved the thrill of cheating or just the variety of different partners. Some people stray out of boredom and others purely because the opportunity has presented itself, whatever the circumstance, you are risking hurting someone you care for deeply, opening yourself to STI’s and making everyone in your life see you in a totally different, and potentially, very ugly light.

As for “The Ayesha” in these situations… I remember her turning to Stacey once and saying that there is no way she would ever let her partner say no to her in the bedroom, knowing full well that Dean had been with her the night before and the night before that (so that was probably why he was saying no). She would often give Stacey ‘advice’ on how to deal with her relationship woes as if they were the best of friends, and when confronted about it she would shrug it off. Who does that??!!!

Look out for the next post where I will be talking to the misters/mistresses, if you have a question let me know on twitter (@88Shaunna) or comment below.

S x

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Advice, Blogging, Cheating, Relationships

Ignorance is Remiss

“Ignorance is bliss, tis folly to be wise” – Thomas Gray

In his poem “Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College”, Thomas Gray was referring to the wide-eyed innocence of youth and the cold harsh reality of entering adulthood, the beauty of not knowing… And so the phrase “Ignorance Is Bliss” was born, the more colloquial spin would be “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”. But does that really apply to everything? If someone dropped a load of pins on the floor but you were not there to witness it would that have any impact on you? As long as you’re wearing shoes you should be ok, right? But wouldn’t you have to know that you need to wear shoes??

What about cheating? Let me set the scene – a married couple, both with full-time jobs but a beautiful home and full life. Most weeknight’s are spent together but the occasional weekend he has to head off to another city to spend time with his friends. She doesn’t question it, she trusts him. But all of his friends are known for playing away even though they are in committed relationships, and every time she offers to join him on his trips he tells her how boring it will be for her, just boys being boys. She rarely hears from him when he’s away and when he is with her his phone is firmly locked away. This all niggles at her, but she ignores it because he is here. And then come the rumors…

“He was seen out with a large group of girls”

“He’s a good-looking guy so he’ll attract that kind of attention”

“But he had his arm around one of them”

“He’s really chatty and sometimes can be a little overly nice, that’s why I fell for him in the first place”

“I hate to be the one to tell you this but… He was kissing her”

How would you react? If that was me, I’d take a deep breath, ask if they were sure then calmly thank them for telling me. Once alone, I’d either burst into tears or call my friends and demand that they join me in plotting my revenge (I wouldn’t actually plot but there is something soothing in bad mouthing a man who has hurt you). Now you know, now you can’t plead ignorance, so what do you do?

A friend of mine once told me that she saw her cousin’s boyfriend kissing another girl, when she told her cousin and they confronted the guy he lied, she believed him over her cousin. Fast forward a few years and she found out whilst she was on holiday that he had moved away with some other girl. The saddest part? There are rumors about her current relationship and her own friends and family won’t tell her because they fear that she will not only shoot the messenger but bury her head in the sand as she has done in the past.

Choosing to overlook infidelity is your decision but the repercussions could be vast; in ignoring what is in front of you you risk being prone to STI’s, baby daddy/mamma drama, losing the respect of your friends/family or worse, your children. Tackling it head on could help you get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place making you and your partner realize how much you do/don’t want to be together.

Thomas Gray’s poem weaves a tale of naivety and light that is inevitably crushed once you are no longer sheltered by the anonymity of youth, to me this is no different to the ignorance that so many of us hide behind when we suspect the worst. If all the signs are there to make you question someone’s fidelity it is only a matter of time before you are confronted with facts… What will you do when you cannot hide from the truth?

S x

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