Advice, Blogging, Break ups, Relationships, Uncategorized

Real Talk: I’m still not over it

 

Days/weeks/months have passed and whether you’re rocking yourself backwards and forwards staring at the wall or you’ve thrown yourself into a flurry of activity, that dull ache in the pit of your stomach won’t seem to shift. Your friends say move on, get over it, your dog is sick of you moping and your bedsheets are stiff from the salty starchiness of your tears. “If I could switch my feelings off and forget about her don’t you think I would??!” you want to scream, instead you give a  defeated nod and you feel like no one gets it, no one understands that you can’t cope, you can’t breathe, you can’t function without her. So what do you do? Do you tell her? Do you write out every word that gets stuck in your throat when you are around her, seal it with your tears and post it to her? Do you beg her? Or do you erase her entirely? All photos, messages, tangible memories, burnt, tossed, totally obliterated from your life?

Sadly, there is no right answer; there is no “one-size fits all” theory. Hearing that you need to get over it doesn’t help, it’s not what you want to hear, you want people to tell you that she misses you and she wants you back. What if she does? What if she’s made a mistake? Should you do something? Say something? No matter how stubborn she is, if she loves you and still feels it, whether you are moping or have moved on, she will let you know, so no, don’t do any of the above. What you need to do is ask yourself, why did she end it?

  1.     If you cheated/lied repeatedly/hit her/spoke to her abusively and she has found it in her to walk away, chances are, she’s never coming back and if you displayed any of those behaviours frequently, frankly, I hope she never does.
  1.      If she walked away to focus on herself, be it to progress in her career/deal with mental/physical health issues, she needs that space, however, why did she feel that you couldn’t help her? Were you not supportive enough? Did you have your own issues that you needed to address? Maybe you were not the right person to help her, as painful as that may be, it’s not necessarily a reflection on you as a person.
  1.    The saddest and hardest possibility is that she just fell out of love with you. Nothing and no one can lessen that blow, not even her. Think back to a time when someone wanted you with every fibre of their being and you just didn’t feel the same, you weren’t being nasty or malicious, you just didn’t want them in the same way. Would you rather she held on to you and kept you around until she met someone else?

If 1 applies to you, let it go. Number 2 doesn’t mean that you should learn the dance moves to Justin Bieber’s Sorry and deliver a surprise performance at her workplace. Rather, take that time to do exactly what she is doing, focus on yourself, learn what it’s like to be without her. Maybe you will see a picture of her one day and feel nothing, maybe you will meet someone who makes you feel a million times better than she ever did and in that moment, you might thank her. As for number 3, no amount of tears, reasoning or grand gesture can make someone feel something that isn’t there, if she is no longer in that place, let her go.

Your friends and family are telling you to get over it, not because they are bored of hearing about how you’re feeling but because they see how much you are hurting and as far as they are concerned, anyone who could make you feel like this is not worth it. If deep down, you feel that she is then only time will tell, but for now just do you.

S x

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Blogging, Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized

Ex Etiquette

Break ups are incredibly difficult for everyone involved, whether you parted on good terms or it was sour farewell, it’s over. Once you get over the initial shock of no longer being the priority in that person’s life you begin the healing process. But there is one thing that could hinder this slightly, your ex. The very person that you are trying desperately to forget could be the one thing that keeps you holding on and why? For their own sick twisted pleasure? Because they are curious to see if you would ever take them back? Whatever the reason it is unfair to you and if you are the culprit in this scenario, you’re being a douche! There are certain rules that should be followed when dealing with your previous partner, it’s not rocket science but sometimes we need a little guidance…

Contact – You have said your goodbyes, you have talked/screamed/cried about why you can’t be together anymore, nothing has changed nor will it. So cut the cord and stop talking to each other, whether it’s a funny video on FB that you think he will like or a cute story about your dog that she would laugh at you cannot talk to each other anymore. Even if you are dying inside because you miss that person so much sending needy or abusive messages will not get them back. Acceptable – I guess this depends on how things were left but maybe a birthday message, other than that leave it alone. Unacceptable – Contacting an ex when you have moved on or sending a lengthy email about how much you hate them/miss them. If you are in a new found romance why are you reaching out to your ex at all? Surely your attention should be firmly on this new person. As for the hate mail, just know that your crazy psychobabble will be shown to all of their friends…

Meet ups – Why do you need to see each other? Do you even need to see each other? What good could come of meeting up? Acceptable – if you have to give each other your old belongings then one more face to face can happen, that doesn’t mean it should though, I’m sure you have friends to help you out or there is always the post. Unacceptable – If either one of you is with someone new you do not need to see each other, unless of course your new partner knows and is secure enough in your relationship that this will not be an issue. Seeing someone that you have history with can stir up feelings of nostalgia and longing or pure hatred, if you don’t end up kissing you might go into a mad blind rage and kill someone, probably your ex, and how are you going to explain that if you’re sneaking around to meet each other?! The happy medium would be confusion, being torn between those extremes and not knowing where you stand.

Family/Friends – This is difficult, especially if you share mutual friends (think Ross and Rachel from Friends). An appropriate amount of time should pass before meeting with your ex’s family; it’s great that you felt close enough to them to keep in touch post- apocalyptic breakup but if you choose to keep in touch do so without involving your ex. Acceptable – Exchanging the odd text and/or meeting for a coffee, away from the home they share with your ex. Unacceptable – Going over your exes  house to watch Eastenders with their mum every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. How are they supposed to move on if you are always there? Don’t talk to your mutual friends about your ex, you’ll begin a vicious cycle of Chinese whispers or worse, hear something that you were not ready to.

Social Media – The thing about social media is it lets you peep into someone’s life undetected, that sounds a little stalker crazy but let’s face it, as soon as a friend tells you about the new office crush the first thing you do is cyber stalk to see if they meet the criteria (one bad photo can do a lot of damage guys). There was a time when you were the one in all of the pictures and you were the one they sent funny meme’s to, now you want to know who and what is happening in their life, so go ahead peep away. Acceptable – Have a cheeky browse when you feel like it, eventually you won’t feel the need to at all. Unacceptable –  At no point should you ever ‘like’ or comment on something, especially if you are in a relationship. All that does is make your ex aware that you are interested in what they are doing, and why are you interested?? Is your new found love not all that you thought it would be? Are you missing what you once had? Even if your ex is not thinking this your new partner probably would.

For those of you that are dealing with the Extreme ex, the girl that sends you Intsa collages of when you were happy together or the guy threatening to beat up your new boyfriend, why are you even entertaining this behaviour? Block and delete this person from your life, better yet, from your relationship. The ‘jack in the box ex’ (the kind that likes to pop up  whenever they feel like it) can cause so much drama when you are seeing someone new, receiving/reading/responding to these messages encourages them, it makes them think there is a chance to win you back or destroy whatever you have now.

Your ex is your ex for a reason, no matter how it ended your relationship was not working and neither one of you were willing to try anymore, respect each other and what you had enough to leave each other alone. It goes without saying, once you have really moved on there is no need to contact the person you once shared everything with, you have someone new to do that with.

S x

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Advice, Blogging, Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized

Dealing with a 21st Century Break-Up

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Survival Kit

 

Going through a break up has been likened to the death of a loved one; it is only when you go through the motions of mourning a relationship that you truly understand what that feels like… According to Google there are 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I can definitely relate to maybe 3 out of 5 but I found that the below model, with a few added extra’s, was much more fitting in my experience.

Dealing with a break-up as explained by Joey, Chandler and Ross – Friends.

Phase 1 -Sweat pants

Phase 2 – Strip clubs and beer

Phase 3 – Picturing yourself with other women

Phase 4 – Don’t want a relationship ever again, just sex with strippers and friends

“Sweats pants”. The first 48 hours were like something out of a Toni Braxton video, queue spontaneous tears and the inability to do anything without becoming a crumbling emotional mess. I wish I could say that I’m being dramatic, if only for my pride. Washing dishes, getting dressed making the bed, any and every activity was accompanied by giant tears and a runny nose, not my sexiest moment. Unlike Chandler, I didn’t wear the same sweat pants for a week, rather I got up showered and got back into bed, accompanied by The Notebook and proceeded to cry every 5-7 minutes. Some people think you need to dust yourself off and get on with it but I say embrace it, you will never truly get over someone if you don’t allow yourself time to mourn what you were. The sooner you go through this phase the better, especially if you don’t want everyone at work to judge you for wearing the same smelly, stained sweats for a week.

Food. This will be different for everyone, some people eat themselves into a heartbroken food coma others physically can’t keep anything down, sadly I was the latter. For days I tried to eat but my body would not allow it, it’s a good thing I have booty, eventually my body started living off of my reserved fats.

Social media. Pretty much everyone has a FB, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat (the list goes on) account, be prepared to find yourself scrolling through his/her pages up to 7 times an hour. This is what I call “self-destruction mode”, it’s almost like you want to find anything to hurt you, don’t ask me why, nothing you do or think at this point makes any sense. You need to binge and purge, scroll until your thumb falls off and if that isn’t enough switch hands, now comes the hard part… Delete him/her from any and all social media, the less you see them the less you will think of them. Do it!

“Drunk at the strip club”. I can honestly say that I don’t know anyone who goes to a strip club, it’s the 21st century and surely everyone just uses porn… Unless it’s Magic Mike I have no interest in strippers or using porn! I did however have a sudden urge to go out. For girls, a night out is more than drinking, it’s about being with your friends, getting dressed up and making yourself look and feel good, dancing because you haven’t got a care in the world and laughing at the awful chat up lines that get thrown your way. If you hit this stage you are on your way to recovering, just make sure you’ve deleted their number; it’s the best way to avoid drunk dialling.

Reminiscing. Whether you keep a diary or your friends have to sit you down and give you a play by play of the times you moaned about your relationship, you need to take a walk down memory lane. You will find that right now, right when it’s fresh, you have only good memories but why did you break up? Why wasn’t it working? Did they cheat? Did they give up on you? Were you tired of having the same argument?

“Picturing yourself with other women”. Like a lot of women I can appreciate the beauty of other ladies, my ultimate girl crush is Eva Mendes for anyone who’s interested. However, I would not say that I have imagined myself with her, at any point, ever. I would have to say that I am not quite there yet, I’m old fashioned and prefer to know someone for a while before I imagine them naked or us simultaneously naked together. Don’t rush this, sure, you need to get under someone to get over your ex but don’t force it.

“Not wanting a relationship ever again and only wanting to have sex with strippers and your friends”. It is safe to say that I will not be having sex with my friends as the guys are in relationships and the girls are girls. Not wanting a relationship ever again is a big statement; I don’t want a relationship right now…

It will take time; one day you will find that you haven’t thought about him/her for half an hour, then a whole day and eventually a week, celebrate these small victories because you will see them again, be it on social media (I did tell you to delete them) or face to face. You may even find yourself in the arms of someone else and it still won’t fill the void of that person, be prepared to feel like you have taken two giant steps back. You don’t know how long it will take to get over someone or what it will take, just do what feels right and give it time. I know it’s the biggest cliché in the world, and I wanted to punch anyone who said it but “time heals all wounds”.

S x

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