Advice, Blogging, Cheating, Dating, Life Lessons

Why Do We Fuck With Fuck Boys?

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The assumption is, by definition, a Fuck Boy will fuck you up, he will consume you and leave you with mascara stained bed sheets. The urban dictionary, one of the most reliable sources known to our generation has a plethora of definitions for “Fuck Boy”. Some go as far as describing the “usual appearance” whilst other comments are dripping with so much venom that it leads you to believe they were bitten by the f boys charm. The general consensus is they are manipulative and stop at nothing to get what they want, be it s, money or just your dignity.

Key traits:

– Speaking to multiple girls, but promising it’s only you

– Acts like they want to be in a relationship but there are no efforts to do anything other than Netflix and chill

– Disappears for ages then pops up again with a “hey stranger” message and acts like everything is normal

– Thinks he can get any girl but can’t

– Thinks he’s a road man but is a side dish (doesn’t have his license and is always in the passenger side of your car or his friends)

– Relies on his mother (this is totally different to a momma’s boy)

– Thinks selling trainers is cool ( or selling any item from the comfort of his parents house)

So why, why do we do it? With all the joke meme’s and horror stories on social media, why do we play their games, knowing that we will lose?

  1. They spit a good game – This breed of man is able to charm his way into your bed, head and heart. Before you’ve even had a chance to cyber stalk and vet him properly he’ll have you thinking he’s the one, filling your head with deep and meaningful one liners that you are almost certain came from a Drake song. There may be a moment where you doubt the charm and charisma but it doesn’t last for long, they love a challenge, especially if they think they can win, which they always do.
  2. We see their potential – He got you on a date, right? He got you into bed didn’t he? You’re still seeing him a month later aren’t you? He must have done/be doing something right to get you stick around; sure it’s the bare minimum but you. Are. Still. Here. Whatever little he is doing it makes you believe that he has the potential to be more, which leads me on to the next point…
  3. We think we can change them – For some reason that we do not understand ourselves, we think that we can change a man’s bad habits, notice I didn’t say change the man? That is a common misconception; we do not want to change the person that we fell for in the first place. When it comes to a Fuck Boy, we think we see something that no one else does, we think that the sweet nothings and the small acts of love are genuine and meant solely for us. So we take these moments and we build them up in our heads and we tell ourselves that he will change his Fuck Boy ways for me, for us. Whether it is the fact that he hasn’t got a job, or he spends too much time drinking/smoking weed you think you can help him better himself.
  4. Everyone has one – Remember when you went to school and 5 kids had a Tamagotchi on Monday morning, by Friday afternoon the whole class had one and you felt like you missed the memo? That is how it is with Fuck Boys, chances are (and this depends on your age) you have already had one, if not two Fuck Boys, enter and leave your life, they were just known as something else e.g. waste man, lazy. This point is as important as the others, if not more. Every woman should have at least one Fuck Boy in her life, not for shits and giggles but because they can actually teach you something about yourself. I have learnt to trust my gut, I’d like to think I can now smell a fuck boy from a mile away, but if they ever get close enough, I now know to decipher their insincere psychobabble. And in the worst case scenario, they get what they want and leave you feeling wounded but now you know, now you won’t be fooled by the over intense charm and lack of actual emotion.
  5. They are everywhere – Seriously, everywhere. One of the prerequisites for being a Fuck Boy is a reliance on one’s mother, for food, money and general ego boosts. Well, it saddens me to say this, but there is a super breed of Fuck Boy, he is stealthier and far more likely to thrive, I call him the Fuck Man or Fuck Boy 2.0. Charming, driven, successful, interesting and exciting, all of these characteristics will strategically throw you off his Fuck Man stench. It will do you well to remember “behind every great man is a great woman”, if he is not being supported by his mother/family he almost certainly has a rich wife/girlfriend (or both) funding his image. So tell me, with a spectrum ranging from boys who are still rolling around in their best friends drive to men who pull up in Range Rovers (that probably don’t belong to them), what chance do we have?
  6. You don’t think you deserve better – On some level, you don’t think you can or should be treated better than this. Maybe you don’t think you’re hot enough or you don’t think that anyone will care for you the way Fuck Boy number 3 does and you’re right, no one will care for you like him. Someone out there is capable of giving you so much more. Why settle for late night booty calls and dates that consist only of Netflix and chill? Why degrade yourself to sneaking in and out of his bedroom window so his mum can’t see you coming in, just because 7 months in he’s not ready for you to meet the family?

These men/boys are comfortable; by doing the little that they do they are able to have regular sex without the emotional attachments. In all honesty, I can’t even be mad about it, we allow ourselves to settle and lower our standards. I say cut them off, stop making it so easy for them, at first they will move on to the next easy target but eventually, if we remove ourselves from their twisted food chain they will have to evolve. One can only hope their FB ways will die out.

S x

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Blogging, Cheating, Dating, Social Media, Tinder

Tinder Diary – Day 4 through 21

Screenshot_2015-06-08-21-52-17I’d like to say that my silence over the last few weeks is due to the overwhelming amount of dates I’ve been on thanks to my new friend Tinder, however, that’s not quite the case, but there I was asked on a date…

After about 3 weeks I had experienced little to no banter and the odd weird comment like “legggsss!”, there was no spark and nothing to look forward to at the end of the day, until Ben. Ben was one of my very early matches but he hadn’t been online for over a week when we matched. Anyway, Ben had one picture and his statement was “Tall. Blond. Beard” all ticks for me, when he finally reached out he was funny, witty, so interesting and someone I thought I could easily get on with and maybe even like. He usually took a day or two to respond but they were always long messages filled with questions and funny anecdotes, he seemed busy so I didn’t mind, when we were finally talking back and forth he randomly asked to meet up the next day!

Tired of having to log in to Tinder every time I wanted to respond I gave him my number and asked if we could arrange something via What’s App. I didn’t hear back from him until the next morning, he sent a text explaining that he had been trying to download What’s App all morning with no luck, the number he was contacting me on was his work number and I could add him on Snapchat to prove he is in fact real. Not thinking anything of it I responded but I wasn’t feeling very well and asked to postpone, he was very sweet and agreed as long as I wasn’t giving him the shoulder… Anyway, the day finished and I headed home, he told me to get plenty of water and bed rest to which I didn’t respond, I then received another message informing me that his work phone was now off for the rest of the weekend and if I wanted to chat I could reach him on Tinder. 

As soon as I read this last text I deleted Tinder. Why? It is the 21st Century, my father, 65 year old aunt and 11 year old sister all have What’s App! Why are you giving me your work number, even after you yourself told me you could get in trouble for using it?! I asked for your Instagram or FB to prove you were real and you’re gonna offer me Snapchat???! As. If! There is only one thing that I could deduce from all of the above. He’s married or he has a girlfriend, or worse. Both. Seriously, think about it, you can’t download What’s App on your personal phone so why not just text me from it? How can you have Tinder and not What’s App?? And Snapchat? That’s just a way for you to manipulate what I can see of your life, not the numerous Insta pics of you on date nights or FB profile with everyone praising your long standing and happy relationship. 

I could be very wrong, maybe Ben is a 28 year old that is a little behind the times (not enough to not know what Tinder and Snapchat are) and maybe he is very single, maybe he just wanted to keep his private life just that, private. I guess we will never know.

When I started this Tinder Diary it was to try something out of my comfort zone, be a little spontaneous and see what all the fuss was about, I haven’t had the worst experience but I know myself well enough to know that it is just not for me. There is something off putting about the anonymity of using Social Media when dating, sure you can tailor every post and edit every picture before you put it out there for the world to see, but will you look like the Sierra edit on Instagram when you actually meet?  I much prefer the face to face conversations, give me the moments where you say the first thing that comes to your mouth over screenshotting the conversation and asking your friends how to respond any day.

I promised myself that once I had a date from Tinder I would delete it and forget about it, I was asked out, it fell through and I no longer use the app. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have plenty of your stories to share though…

S x

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Blogging, Cheating, Relationships

“Cheater, Cheater, Compulsive Eater” – The Other Woman’s Story

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It is often said that there are 3 sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth… Between the cheater, cheated and the other man/woman it is not fair to say one is more honest than the other. But, before we delve into the politics of cheating let’s have a look into how the “other women” felt, maybe it will answer questions that you have often wanted to ask. 

Q – How did you meet? A – At work, he was 8 years older and had a senior position. I started working with him a year after I joined the company,I had to have monthly review meetings with him so we were communicating frequently.

Q– Did you know that he was in a relationship/married? A – I knew he was married

Q – Was he happy in his relationship? A – At first it seemed like he was content in his relationship, but as I spent more time with him I learnt that there was not much left of the marriage and they were both unhappy with each other (or so he said)

Q – Who made the first move? A – We started spending more and more time together after work and had long phone conversations, it felt innocent as none of us admitted to the reason behind it all. One day he told me that he liked me, that’s when the can of worms opened and i knew I couldn’t pretend any more.

Q – Are you still with him? A – No

Q – How did it end?  A – He wanted commitment and a marriage (ironic, considering he was the married one and I was single). I wasn’t prepared for the baggage (4 kids). He tried to push me to commit to him and marry him in secret but I didn’t want to and realized he wasn’t for me. It was just a short term thing for me. I tried to keep it going and wanted things to be the way they were before (meeting for secret lunches, long phone calls) he wanted more though so I finished it. He said that if I wasn’t prepared to give him commitment he didn’t want to continue.

Q – What did you do together (what kind of dates?) A – Lunch dates, cinema trips, Dinner dates, sight seeing in Europe (he took me away for the weekend)

Q – Did you love him? A – I thought I loved him at the time.

Q – Would you be with him if he was single? A – Not now, no.

Q – Do you still speak? A – Only when I have to, he owes me £1.5

It’s safe to say that situation didn’t end well… Regardless of how “unhappy” he was in his marriage “it was just a short term thing” seems a cold and detached way to describe an affair with a married father of four. Had I not known this person I would assume that she couldn’t care less about what she had done, but the reality of it is she cried and agonized over her situation for a long time, it’s easy to point fingers and make judgments but you never know where life will take you or what you might end up doing.

The below experience is very similar, it is no better or worse that the previous interview it just provides a different perspective.

Q – How did you meet? A – At work,  he was in a different team but we had to work together for several projects.

Q – Did you know that he was in a relationship/married? A – Yes, one of the first things he told me was that he had a long term girlfriend.

– Was he happy in his relationship? –  Whenever he talked about his partner it was in a positive light, their relationship seemed pretty perfect, always trying new things together but able to maintain a balance that allowed them plenty of time apart to pursue their own hobbies.

Q –  How did it make you feel knowing that regardless of how happy he was in his relationship that he still wanted you? A – Cheap. No one wants to be the second choice, and that’s exactly what I was. He showered me with compliments, made me feel like I was the most attractive, captivating and funny woman in the world but somehow I always felt like the worst version of myself.

 Q – Who made the first move? – He did. He made several first moves but I didn’t want to believe that someone as happy and ‘committed’ would be making advances.

Q – What do you mean several first moves? A –  He’d take me out for lunch but we’d end up doing something random and quite sweet like dancing in a park or climbing a tree or he’d send an ambiguously flirty message then tell me outright that he wanted me. 

– Are you still with him? –  Was I ever really with him? No, is the simple answer, we are no longer involved.

– How did it end? – I told him that we couldn’t continue seeing one another, I knew he wasn’t going to end his relationship and I didn’t really want him to, at least not for my benefit, so I ended it.

– What did you do together (what kind of dates?) A – We went on long walks around secret gardens, had cozy pub dinners, went for cocktails, the cinema… Fairly normal dates.

Q – Did you love him? A – Can I skip this one? … Getting over him was incredibly painful and I never thought that it would hurt as much as it did when it ended, so on some level I guess you could say I did.

Q – Would you be with him had he been single? A – No, I can’t trust him.

Q – Do you still speak? A – We don’t speak regularly, we have no reason to but I wouldn’t malice him.

Q –  Did his partner ever find out? A – Not to my knowledge, but I do feel like she would have her suspicions…

Q – Do you feel any remorse? A – Of course! I have always said that I would never cheat, and just because I wasn’t in a relationship it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t helping someone else be unfaithful. 

Q – Thinking purely about how you felt about him, would you do it again? And why? A – No, as messed up as this will sound, he lied to me. I asked him if he had ever cheated before and he said he hadn’t but after we finished I found out that he had been having “an affair” with me and hooking up with several other people… Serves me right.

Just because he wasn’t married and children weren’t involved it doesn’t make it any less wrong. It sounds to me as is if her heart was broken, do I think she deserved it? No, but getting involved with someone who is already taken only ever ends with heartache and you can’t guarantee that it won’t be yours.

In summation, if there are three sides to every story does that apply to an affair? Who is telling “the truth”? Honestly? I think that when a man or a woman tells someone other than their partner that they love them, in that moment it is the truth, or at least they believe it to be. When the other man/woman says that this is the last time they will meet their lover in secret, they mean it, until the next time. And finally, when the cheated partner denies ever knowing or suspecting infidelity they badly want to believe their own words.

For the final installment of Cheater, Cheater Compulsive Eater we will be talking to The Cheated, if you have any questions or comments please let me know on Twitter @88Shaunna or comment below.

S x

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Cheating, Relationships

“Cheater, Cheater, Compulsive Eater”

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Once a cheater always a cheater..?

After learning that someone has been unfaithful the one thing you want to know is “why”, I took the time to meet with an old friend to discuss that very question in an attempt to delve a little deeper into the thought process of someone who has cheated.

Dean and Stacey worked together and had been dating for about a year when Ayesha joined the team, she was also in a long term relationship and the total opposite of Stacey. Where Stacey was shy and sweet with porcelain skin and auburn hair Ayesha was rude, flirtatious and a lover of the lime light with dark features.

Q – Would you agree with the term “once a cheater always a cheater”? A – Not at all, not every partner is the same; just because I have cheated it doesn’t mean that every man out there will.

Q – Have you cheated again since or been tempted to? A – No.

Q – Why were you unfaithful? A – We shouldn’t have been together at that point, I had wanted to end it with Stacey for some time but I just couldn’t do it… It sounds harsh but the affair suited us [me and Ayesha] as there was no commitment and no real risk.

Q – Did you feel guilty or regret? A – I felt guiltier about the fact that there were people hiding it for me, people at work who were my close friends but I knew they would never say anything. As for regret… Not really as no one got hurt, Stacey never knew and it ended amicably.

Q – Did you love your girlfriend or Ayesha? A – I still cared for her… But I never loved Ayesha, it was more about the excitement.

Q – Have you ever been cheated on or witnessed someone being unfaithful? A – I’ve not been cheated on to my knowledge (he looks dubious). But when I was 18, a friend of mine was away on holiday for 2 weeks; whilst he was gone his girlfriend was having an affair with our mutual friend. I approached him and told him that he would have to come clean after my girlfriend at the time insisted I said something, he actually asked me to tell our friend when he returned.

Q – Did you ever think that you would be capable of cheating? A – I don’t think anyone does, I never set out to cheat it.

Q – Would you say that there are signs to look out for when someone is playing away? A – It depends on the living situation, if you live with your partner and they’re not coming home or coming in a lot later than normal then that’s going to make you suspicious. But you can’t generalize, anyone is capable.

Q – How long did the affair go on for and how did it end? A – We saw each other for about 3 months, it naturally fizzled out, and we decided to end it.

Sitting across from Dean it’s not clear if he feels the weight of what he did, maybe because he wasn’t caught or maybe because it happened over 6 years ago but I knew him then and I know him now. He was young, reckless and selfish and that is no excuse but I’d like to think that he knows himself well enough to step away from a relationship before being unfaithful again.

I have met people who have been painfully unhappy and needed to escape from the strain of their situation, or others who were in full and loving relationships but loved the thrill of cheating or just the variety of different partners. Some people stray out of boredom and others purely because the opportunity has presented itself, whatever the circumstance, you are risking hurting someone you care for deeply, opening yourself to STI’s and making everyone in your life see you in a totally different, and potentially, very ugly light.

As for “The Ayesha” in these situations… I remember her turning to Stacey once and saying that there is no way she would ever let her partner say no to her in the bedroom, knowing full well that Dean had been with her the night before and the night before that (so that was probably why he was saying no). She would often give Stacey ‘advice’ on how to deal with her relationship woes as if they were the best of friends, and when confronted about it she would shrug it off. Who does that??!!!

Look out for the next post where I will be talking to the misters/mistresses, if you have a question let me know on twitter (@88Shaunna) or comment below.

S x

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Advice, Blogging, Cheating, Relationships

Ignorance is Remiss

“Ignorance is bliss, tis folly to be wise” – Thomas Gray

In his poem “Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College”, Thomas Gray was referring to the wide-eyed innocence of youth and the cold harsh reality of entering adulthood, the beauty of not knowing… And so the phrase “Ignorance Is Bliss” was born, the more colloquial spin would be “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”. But does that really apply to everything? If someone dropped a load of pins on the floor but you were not there to witness it would that have any impact on you? As long as you’re wearing shoes you should be ok, right? But wouldn’t you have to know that you need to wear shoes??

What about cheating? Let me set the scene – a married couple, both with full-time jobs but a beautiful home and full life. Most weeknight’s are spent together but the occasional weekend he has to head off to another city to spend time with his friends. She doesn’t question it, she trusts him. But all of his friends are known for playing away even though they are in committed relationships, and every time she offers to join him on his trips he tells her how boring it will be for her, just boys being boys. She rarely hears from him when he’s away and when he is with her his phone is firmly locked away. This all niggles at her, but she ignores it because he is here. And then come the rumors…

“He was seen out with a large group of girls”

“He’s a good-looking guy so he’ll attract that kind of attention”

“But he had his arm around one of them”

“He’s really chatty and sometimes can be a little overly nice, that’s why I fell for him in the first place”

“I hate to be the one to tell you this but… He was kissing her”

How would you react? If that was me, I’d take a deep breath, ask if they were sure then calmly thank them for telling me. Once alone, I’d either burst into tears or call my friends and demand that they join me in plotting my revenge (I wouldn’t actually plot but there is something soothing in bad mouthing a man who has hurt you). Now you know, now you can’t plead ignorance, so what do you do?

A friend of mine once told me that she saw her cousin’s boyfriend kissing another girl, when she told her cousin and they confronted the guy he lied, she believed him over her cousin. Fast forward a few years and she found out whilst she was on holiday that he had moved away with some other girl. The saddest part? There are rumors about her current relationship and her own friends and family won’t tell her because they fear that she will not only shoot the messenger but bury her head in the sand as she has done in the past.

Choosing to overlook infidelity is your decision but the repercussions could be vast; in ignoring what is in front of you you risk being prone to STI’s, baby daddy/mamma drama, losing the respect of your friends/family or worse, your children. Tackling it head on could help you get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place making you and your partner realize how much you do/don’t want to be together.

Thomas Gray’s poem weaves a tale of naivety and light that is inevitably crushed once you are no longer sheltered by the anonymity of youth, to me this is no different to the ignorance that so many of us hide behind when we suspect the worst. If all the signs are there to make you question someone’s fidelity it is only a matter of time before you are confronted with facts… What will you do when you cannot hide from the truth?

S x

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