Advice, Blogging, Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized

Dealing with a 21st Century Break-Up

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Survival Kit

 

Going through a break up has been likened to the death of a loved one; it is only when you go through the motions of mourning a relationship that you truly understand what that feels like… According to Google there are 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I can definitely relate to maybe 3 out of 5 but I found that the below model, with a few added extra’s, was much more fitting in my experience.

Dealing with a break-up as explained by Joey, Chandler and Ross – Friends.

Phase 1 -Sweat pants

Phase 2 – Strip clubs and beer

Phase 3 – Picturing yourself with other women

Phase 4 – Don’t want a relationship ever again, just sex with strippers and friends

“Sweats pants”. The first 48 hours were like something out of a Toni Braxton video, queue spontaneous tears and the inability to do anything without becoming a crumbling emotional mess. I wish I could say that I’m being dramatic, if only for my pride. Washing dishes, getting dressed making the bed, any and every activity was accompanied by giant tears and a runny nose, not my sexiest moment. Unlike Chandler, I didn’t wear the same sweat pants for a week, rather I got up showered and got back into bed, accompanied by The Notebook and proceeded to cry every 5-7 minutes. Some people think you need to dust yourself off and get on with it but I say embrace it, you will never truly get over someone if you don’t allow yourself time to mourn what you were. The sooner you go through this phase the better, especially if you don’t want everyone at work to judge you for wearing the same smelly, stained sweats for a week.

Food. This will be different for everyone, some people eat themselves into a heartbroken food coma others physically can’t keep anything down, sadly I was the latter. For days I tried to eat but my body would not allow it, it’s a good thing I have booty, eventually my body started living off of my reserved fats.

Social media. Pretty much everyone has a FB, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat (the list goes on) account, be prepared to find yourself scrolling through his/her pages up to 7 times an hour. This is what I call “self-destruction mode”, it’s almost like you want to find anything to hurt you, don’t ask me why, nothing you do or think at this point makes any sense. You need to binge and purge, scroll until your thumb falls off and if that isn’t enough switch hands, now comes the hard part… Delete him/her from any and all social media, the less you see them the less you will think of them. Do it!

“Drunk at the strip club”. I can honestly say that I don’t know anyone who goes to a strip club, it’s the 21st century and surely everyone just uses porn… Unless it’s Magic Mike I have no interest in strippers or using porn! I did however have a sudden urge to go out. For girls, a night out is more than drinking, it’s about being with your friends, getting dressed up and making yourself look and feel good, dancing because you haven’t got a care in the world and laughing at the awful chat up lines that get thrown your way. If you hit this stage you are on your way to recovering, just make sure you’ve deleted their number; it’s the best way to avoid drunk dialling.

Reminiscing. Whether you keep a diary or your friends have to sit you down and give you a play by play of the times you moaned about your relationship, you need to take a walk down memory lane. You will find that right now, right when it’s fresh, you have only good memories but why did you break up? Why wasn’t it working? Did they cheat? Did they give up on you? Were you tired of having the same argument?

“Picturing yourself with other women”. Like a lot of women I can appreciate the beauty of other ladies, my ultimate girl crush is Eva Mendes for anyone who’s interested. However, I would not say that I have imagined myself with her, at any point, ever. I would have to say that I am not quite there yet, I’m old fashioned and prefer to know someone for a while before I imagine them naked or us simultaneously naked together. Don’t rush this, sure, you need to get under someone to get over your ex but don’t force it.

“Not wanting a relationship ever again and only wanting to have sex with strippers and your friends”. It is safe to say that I will not be having sex with my friends as the guys are in relationships and the girls are girls. Not wanting a relationship ever again is a big statement; I don’t want a relationship right now…

It will take time; one day you will find that you haven’t thought about him/her for half an hour, then a whole day and eventually a week, celebrate these small victories because you will see them again, be it on social media (I did tell you to delete them) or face to face. You may even find yourself in the arms of someone else and it still won’t fill the void of that person, be prepared to feel like you have taken two giant steps back. You don’t know how long it will take to get over someone or what it will take, just do what feels right and give it time. I know it’s the biggest cliché in the world, and I wanted to punch anyone who said it but “time heals all wounds”.

S x

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Blogging, Dating, Tinder

Tinder Traumas – Your Stories

Foot Fetish

“Let me tell you about the guy who had the foot fetish. This weirdo wanted to meet me to rub my feet and massage them. He then proceeded to tell me that he wants to lick them dirty or clean. I told him I had a lot of toe jam, he didn’t seem to mind and wanted to touch them anyways. I told him I would run my feet all over him, thinking he was kidding, but he sure wasn’t. He really wanted to love them. Then he tells me that he wants F them… what the heck! It reached the point I told him he was sick and had to go.” – With love from Canada x

Sharing is Caring 

Living in a shared house can be taxing at times, especially when you don’t get on with your housemates. Once you have all bonded life is a little easier, you take it in turns to buy toilet paper, you share your cutlery and ice cream, I used to spend evenings watching Sex & The City with my housemate, well, she watched whilst I painted my nails. 

Over in Thailand, Meg* met a guy through Tinder, they hooked up but it didn’t really go anywhere, imagine her surprise when a few weeks later she bumped into the same guy who her housemate had hooked up with (also via Tinder) on her way to the bathroom! As if that wasn’t awkward enough Casanova did the only thing any red blooded male would do in that situation, he suggested a threesome. I think it’s safe to say he didn’t visit that house again! (Surely he would have got a sense of deja vu when he walked in…)

Doctor of Love

Back on our side of the pond, Phoebe had matched with a guy and even though he had messaged her she hadn’t got back to him yet. At the doctor surgery, she was told that her usual GP was unavailable and she would have to see Dr Smith, you guessed it, Dr  Smith was her recent match that she had ignored. Neither one mentioned that they recognized each other, probably something to do with doctor patient confidentiality…

Looks can be deceiving

During my short stint on Tinder I found that even though a guy would have about 5 photos he only looked like the same person in 2, I put it down to lighting but still swiped left. One evening I got the following text message: “While flicking through it with Lee one day he showed me this amazingly beautiful girl with killer cheekbones and glamour girl boobs, I was like wow she is amazing, then he pointed to her name! It was only… from… Now I’m not saying she’s not pretty but it would be like expecting to meet up with Angelina Jolie and getting Abi Branning. So forever more that shot down our faith that anyone looks like they actually say on Tinder!!”. 

We are forever learning that it is a very small world so you don’t know when or where you may bump into a fellow swiper, for about 2 weeks I was genuinely paranoid that any man that looked at my face for that split second longer had seen me on Tinder. My GP is female, I have no housemates, I hate when ANYONE touches or even looks at my feet and I no longer use the app so no one can accuse me of not looking like me on purpose (unless you’re on my Instagram, then I can’t make any promises). I’m safe from the Tinder drama’s but I’ll share yours, if you’ll let me, keep an eye out for a success story.

S x

*All names have been changed or not shared to protect the participants anonymity 

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Blogging, Cheating, Dating, Social Media, Tinder

Tinder Diary – Day 4 through 21

Screenshot_2015-06-08-21-52-17I’d like to say that my silence over the last few weeks is due to the overwhelming amount of dates I’ve been on thanks to my new friend Tinder, however, that’s not quite the case, but there I was asked on a date…

After about 3 weeks I had experienced little to no banter and the odd weird comment like “legggsss!”, there was no spark and nothing to look forward to at the end of the day, until Ben. Ben was one of my very early matches but he hadn’t been online for over a week when we matched. Anyway, Ben had one picture and his statement was “Tall. Blond. Beard” all ticks for me, when he finally reached out he was funny, witty, so interesting and someone I thought I could easily get on with and maybe even like. He usually took a day or two to respond but they were always long messages filled with questions and funny anecdotes, he seemed busy so I didn’t mind, when we were finally talking back and forth he randomly asked to meet up the next day!

Tired of having to log in to Tinder every time I wanted to respond I gave him my number and asked if we could arrange something via What’s App. I didn’t hear back from him until the next morning, he sent a text explaining that he had been trying to download What’s App all morning with no luck, the number he was contacting me on was his work number and I could add him on Snapchat to prove he is in fact real. Not thinking anything of it I responded but I wasn’t feeling very well and asked to postpone, he was very sweet and agreed as long as I wasn’t giving him the shoulder… Anyway, the day finished and I headed home, he told me to get plenty of water and bed rest to which I didn’t respond, I then received another message informing me that his work phone was now off for the rest of the weekend and if I wanted to chat I could reach him on Tinder. 

As soon as I read this last text I deleted Tinder. Why? It is the 21st Century, my father, 65 year old aunt and 11 year old sister all have What’s App! Why are you giving me your work number, even after you yourself told me you could get in trouble for using it?! I asked for your Instagram or FB to prove you were real and you’re gonna offer me Snapchat???! As. If! There is only one thing that I could deduce from all of the above. He’s married or he has a girlfriend, or worse. Both. Seriously, think about it, you can’t download What’s App on your personal phone so why not just text me from it? How can you have Tinder and not What’s App?? And Snapchat? That’s just a way for you to manipulate what I can see of your life, not the numerous Insta pics of you on date nights or FB profile with everyone praising your long standing and happy relationship. 

I could be very wrong, maybe Ben is a 28 year old that is a little behind the times (not enough to not know what Tinder and Snapchat are) and maybe he is very single, maybe he just wanted to keep his private life just that, private. I guess we will never know.

When I started this Tinder Diary it was to try something out of my comfort zone, be a little spontaneous and see what all the fuss was about, I haven’t had the worst experience but I know myself well enough to know that it is just not for me. There is something off putting about the anonymity of using Social Media when dating, sure you can tailor every post and edit every picture before you put it out there for the world to see, but will you look like the Sierra edit on Instagram when you actually meet?  I much prefer the face to face conversations, give me the moments where you say the first thing that comes to your mouth over screenshotting the conversation and asking your friends how to respond any day.

I promised myself that once I had a date from Tinder I would delete it and forget about it, I was asked out, it fell through and I no longer use the app. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have plenty of your stories to share though…

S x

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Blogging, Dating, Social Media, Tinder

Tinder Diary – Day 3

I’ve got my first Tinder message! It’s from Marc… “Hey how are you?” polite and friendly so far. “I have to say I think you are gorgeous” eeek! He thinks I’m gorgeous! “I’m gonna be upfront and honest” this is intriguing… “I’m only in town for a few days day, fancy some fun whilst I’m here?” Ugghhh! AS. IF!!! I spiral through a wave of emotions, excitement, shock, disappointment and devastation. He’s a catfish, he has to be. How can someone so gorgeous be 3 miles away from me and I’ve never seen or even heard of him? Obviously I didn’t respond, but I took a screen shot of the message, as well as his topless photo’s and sent them to my friends. 

I’ve been Tindering for about 3 and half days now and I’m bored already, this is not a good sign. Although Marc provided a burst of excitement I feel like he has set a rather sordid precedent. I’ve got a few more matches, but I say no about 93% of the time so I’m being really picky, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

Whilst shuffling through the unlimited potential suitors I keep seeing lists of people that we have in common, at first I don’t pay any attention to it but then I see an old friends brother and his best friend, now, I know that they are both in very happy relationships, or so I thought. What are they doing on here?? It’s not my place to tell anyone but I’m really confused, until I see someone that I KNOW would never be on Tinder, then it clicks, these are just mutual friends! Not people who are using the app! Phew! That could have been awkward.

Swiping again and I see a familiar face, most of the people I have come across that I recognize are from school so I know how I know them, but I don’t remember this guy, so I send a screenshot to Zak and ask if she knows who he is. She responds almost immediately, “chick, that’s Zoe’s* husband”… I literally just saw pictures of them with their newborn baby all over Facebook, and she is constantly posting about how happy her little family is, I guess nothing is ever what it seems. I do remember Sehrish telling me that Zoe had met her husband when he was with someone else, and he left his ex for her, I couldn’t tell if this was a case of “once a cheater always a cheater” or someone trying to play a mean game by stealing his pictures and creating a Tinder profile, either way it’s pretty messed up.

I’m beginning to see a pattern… There is a plethora of pictures of men posing either;

  1. In the gym with their tops off
  2. With their arm draped around a large wild cat 
  3. Skiing/hiking

If I come across any of the above I’m saying no because a heavily sedated wild animal is just not hot in any way shape or form, unless you’re a vet about to save it’s life. Topless gym pics are a warning sign for slightly excessive narcissism and I can’t be dealing with someone who is prettier than me, every time you look at me I’ll just feel like you’re trying to see your reflection in my glasses. And skiing and/or hiking is a no because I am so incredibly accident prone I’ll be a massive hindrance and you’ll probably have to carry me half way, so technically I’m thinking of you. To each her own, I may not like the above pictures but a lot of girls do, so pose away guys, pose away.

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And finally, fake profiles. You can imagine my surprise when I came across Xabi Alonso, player for FC Bayern Munich, only his name was James, aged 30 and he was about 6 miles away. Had I not been subjected to countless football games in my previous relationship I would have no idea who this was, probably say yes and be overjoyed if we matched. (Xabi is in my top 3 football player crushes, after Beckham and Pique of course). If someone has no mutual friends, no Instagram account and their pictures look a little too perfect chances are they’re not real.

So far I’m not loving it guys, it feels very shallow, judging someone by their pictures and hoping that they like mine… I need actual interaction but it’s early days so I’m not giving up just yet, maybe I should speak to some other Tinder users, see if they have had any success.

The next post will be about what you guys think about Tinder, give me a shout and let me know how you feel on @88Shaunna Twitter

S x

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Blogging, Dating, Relationships, Tinder

Tinder Diary – Day 2

I’m finally allowed to swipe unsupervised as long as I promise to wait a second before saying no, but somehow my Tinder antics have caught the attention of my 16 year old sister…

This genuinely feels like a game… Left, left,left left… Wait! tap… Hmm… Left. Left… Tap… Aww his bio made me chuckle, and he’s tall, and he has good hair, nice eyes, good fashion sense. Right! Left, left and so on. The whole time I’m playing my sister is either berating me for going too fast or yelling “wait! what about him??”, after a while I take a break and watch this weeks Made In Chelsea.

Its pretty late and it seems like Shamica is asleep, she hasn’t said anything for about an hour and she didn’t watch MIC with me so I start swiping again. The first few are straight no’s, but then… Oh. My. Gosh! Just as I am about to take a screen shot of the absolute hottie on my screen Shamica shouts “YES!! say yes!!”, she nearly gives me a heart attack, which could easily have resulted in an accidental no! I get over the shock, send the screen shot to my group chat and swipe right. Instantly my first match message pops up!! I am stunned, mouth agape I show the screen to Shamica who begins to squeal like a micro pig, tiny, sharp, high pitched squeaks. Once I have accepted that Marc was interested I do what any dignified 27 year old would do, I jump up and down on the bed, stop to send a screen shot of the match message and go right back to jumping.

Now what?? Shamica’s telling me to ask him if I can have his beautiful babies, Zakia is saying don’t say anything, let him open the convo and Kimberly is saying talk to him, now! Who do I listen to?? What do I do?? I’m definitely striking Shamica’s one liner out, I did not realise that is how 16 year olds flirt these days…

Another eventful day on Tinder, no closer to Prince Charming but it doesn’t hurt to have a bit of eye candy.

Keep an eye out to find out what happened with my first match…

S x

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Blogging, Dating, Relationships, Tinder

Tinder Diary- Day 1

After we had established that it would be highly inappropriate for my married best friend to download the app we snuggled up together and created my profile, which wasn’t that successful as we were swiping for about half an hour with no pictures and no bio. As neither of us really knew what we were doing we agreed to the following:

  • No swiping by my myself – It was OUR game and I could not be trusted as I swipe too fast and miss really hot people that will never come up again.
  • I am not allowed to meet anyone UNLESS we have been talking for a “good amount of time” – and the banter was on point 95% of the time – AND I am 100% sure he is who he says he is.
  • NO SWIPING ALONE – she was so adamant about it she felt the need to tell me twice.

So there we were, swiping and laughing, when suddenly my phone flashes, I had 5% battery and no one in the house had a Samsung charger. We devised an action plan, I would go home, get my charger, chuck on my PJ’s and get straight back into her bed. It sounded great in theory but in reality, the excitement of our Tinder antics had wiped me out and my phone was refusing to charge so I promised not to touch the app without her supervision and I turned my phone off.

Et voila! 10:30 a.m. approximately 12 hours after I downloaded the app, I wake up to a message from my ex, a screenshot, to be precise, of my Tinder profile. Shit! Shit! Shit! Caught in the act.

Maybe “caught” is the wrong word, I am, after all, single and free to do whatever I please. Regardless, I had fully intended to contact my ex to let him know that I was on Tinder because I didn’t want him to find out from someone else. Clearly I wasn’t quick enough!

How does it work?

  1. Much like any social media you need a profile: Name, Date of Birth and a Bio, then you add a bunch of pictures, you can also link your Instagram account.
  2. Make sure your location services are on.
  3. Set your age preference and distance.
  4. Tap on a picture to see his bio and other photos, tap again to come out of his profile.
  5. Swipe left if you’re not interested OR swipe right if you like what you see. If you want to go back and see someone you said no to YOU CAN’T, if you try do that you will end up swiping right to the next person. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
  6. If someone you liked swipes right for you too you will automatically get a notification that you have a match and then you can message one another.

I’d like to point out I had to learn all of the above the hard way… You’re welcome.

Day 2 is all about my first match!

S x

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Blogging, Real Talk

IMG_235969416412831 “Seeing others move on with their lives is hard when you feel like you’re stuck in the quicksand of yours” – Helen, Being Mary Jane, BET.

Never compare yourself to those around you, just because people are Insta-famous and have thousands of followers it doesn’t mean that they are happy with what they have or, in a lot of cases, claim to have.

Be proud of your friends and family for their achievements and use it as encouragement for your own.

– S x

Real Talk

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