Advice, Dating, Rebound, Uncategorized

Rules of a Rebound

Just to be clear, this post is in no way sports related.

Have you noticed how, as soon as you miss your ex even a little bit everyone tells you “you need to move on”? I couldn’t agree more but that phrase is usually followed by “get under to get over” and a suggestive wink. As much as I like to watch the awkward faces people make when trying to execute the perfect wink (try it) I’m not a fan of using another person as my emotional mop.

A rebound is, to put it bluntly,

“a crutch to soften the emotional blow of a breakup”. 

I personally wouldn’t go down the rebound route, I’m more of a ‘time and wine will heal all things’ kind of girl, but I’m also realistic. In light of the dating world we are a part of, and the fact that dating apps and social media literally throw beautiful people at us 24/7, I feel it is only fair that some ground rules are applied if/when you choose to pick a rebound partner. These apply to both the rebounder and the reboundee (I’m making it a word).

1. Set an expectation

  • Do make yourself clear from the beginning. Men tend to prefer a straightforward woman and women are less likely to go psycho/bunny boiler if they know where they stand. Also, you are giving that person the chance to decide whether they want to get on board or not.
  • Don’t spend too much time together. Talking all day, seeing each other every night puts you at risk of actually falling for this person, if that’s something you’re open to great! If not, put some distance between you and respect the boundaries.
  • Do keep some mystery. It’s so easy to vent to or share your personal information with the person you’re romantically involved with, avoid confusion and stick to flirting and light-hearted dates.
  • Don’t expect this to be more than it is. 

2. Choose wisely!

  • Don’t date an ex, why take 10 steps back when you want to move forward?
  • Don’t date someone YOU like, post breakup you’re a mess, you’re hurting, you’re selfish and chances are you’re not in a position to give someone else the best version of you.
  • Don’t date someone who LIKES YOU.

3. Mix it up

  • Do date outside your ‘type’, you may not have a type but at least try avoiding a carbon copy of your ex, you don’t want a Ross V Russ situation. (Yes, that was a F.R.I.E.N.D.S reference)
  • Do avoid places you went with your ex. 

4. Rules of thumb

  • Don’t introduce them to your friends, especially if this is a short-term situation.
  • Do make sure you are ready. Of course, the only way to really know is to get back out there but if you find yourself crying mid-fumble then a) you’re really not ready and b) you’ve probably emotionally scarred the other person.
  • Don’t tell everyone and their mother! Firstly, because everyone has an opinion and that could complicate a simple situation. And secondly, you don’t want to have that awkward conversation where you explain that the guy/girl you were mad about last week is no more about 20 times. Telling your cat was hard enough!

I’m not saying that these rules will stop you from getting hurt or hurting someone else, that’s part and parcel of 21st century dating, but an honest conversation and realistic expectations will go a long way.

S x

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Advice, Blogging, Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized

5 Things Women Need in A Relationship

There is a massive misconception that a woman needs a man to function, not so long ago, you would have been a social pariah if you were 25 and single without 2.5 children. The beauty of being a millennial in a 21st century relationship is that you don’t need someone to complete you, you are whole human being all on your own, rather, you want someone to share your life with. It is often said that women are really complicated, we don’t know what we want, we’re moody and dramatic, add our periods to the mix and we’re just a hot mess apparently. With this in mind, I would urge any man in a relationship today to use the following five points as their very own miniature handbook to understanding what a woman wants in a relationship.

  1. Stimulation – Rather than jump straight to the physical acts that would stimulate your girlfriend, think back to the last time you were up all night talking about what the world would look like if it was run by toddlers or whether Tupac is really dead. Do you make her think outside her neat little box? Do you make her question the world and everything in it? There is nothing sexier than a man that challenges you mentally, that doesn’t mean you have to be a genius; you just have to teach her something new every now and then.
  1. Time – Do you play a sport? For this scenario, let’s say you play football 90 minutes x 3 times a week = 4.5 hours, 90 minutes every Saturday afternoon + setup time = 2.5 hours, Total = 7 hours a week. That’s 7 hours a week pursuing your hobby, if you throw in practice sessions that take place midweek you’re looking at 9 hours total, not counting FIFA (don’t even get me started on FIFA). I am not a football hater; in fact, I enjoy watching it, strong athletic men, running around in shorts, what’s not to like? My point here is, if you are passionate about something, if you really love it, you make the time for it, so why is your girlfriend any different? Granted, some women may be more demanding than others, but we’re not all needy creatures, we actually like having time to ourselves, it’s just every so often, we want to see your face, we want to know that in those few minutes that we are talking to you we have your undivided attention.
  1. Listen – Women talk. A. Lot. Usually, we call our friends to overanalyse anything and everything in life, but sometimes we want to talk to you. We don’t expect you to have the answers, we don’t expect you to fix everything, we just want you hear what we have to say. Turn off the TV, sit in front of her and listen. Let her cry, make her laugh, make her a cup of tea and give her cuddle. It’s really that simple.
  1. Honesty – This point applies to both men and women. You want to know that you can trust your partner and the only way to achieve that is to be honest. Whether we are asking for an opinion on our outfit or we want you to agree that we were right in an argument we had with our friend, you need to tell us the truth. If you don’t, we will walk around in skirts that are way too short or totally unflattering for our body shape, being total dickheads to everyone we love. If you can be honest about the little things it will be easier to be open about the big things.
  1. Engagement – Stop panicking, this has nothing to do with marriage or really expensive diamond rings. A girl can smell disinterest from a mile off, if we notice that you’re not paying as much attention to the relationship we feel like we’re losing you and we will do one of two things; go into psycho-girl-overdrive or walk away. The age-old “wanting what we can’t have” feeling kicks in and your girlfriend may become needy and obsess over the change in pace, she may question what future you have and it will feel like she is pestering you for more time, more effort, more everything. On the other side, there are some women, often referred to as stubborn; when they feel like you are no longer “present” they retreat. They know what you are capable of, they wouldn’t be with you otherwise, they expect more from you but they shouldn’t have to nag or beg for that attention and affection. You could avoid this altogether if you show a genuine interest in the relationship, if that sounds like work to you then why are you even with her?

I wouldn’t say this is a one – size fits all method, every woman is different and seeks different forms of validation in a relationship. Spooning, compliments, joint interests, intense physical connection, these are just a few of the prerequisites I was given when writing this post, some of these points are more important than others, but depends on who you are talking to.

If all else fails, ask her what she wants from your relationship.

S x

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Advice, Blogging, Break ups, Relationships, Uncategorized

Real Talk: I’m still not over it

 

Days/weeks/months have passed and whether you’re rocking yourself backwards and forwards staring at the wall or you’ve thrown yourself into a flurry of activity, that dull ache in the pit of your stomach won’t seem to shift. Your friends say move on, get over it, your dog is sick of you moping and your bedsheets are stiff from the salty starchiness of your tears. “If I could switch my feelings off and forget about her don’t you think I would??!” you want to scream, instead you give a  defeated nod and you feel like no one gets it, no one understands that you can’t cope, you can’t breathe, you can’t function without her. So what do you do? Do you tell her? Do you write out every word that gets stuck in your throat when you are around her, seal it with your tears and post it to her? Do you beg her? Or do you erase her entirely? All photos, messages, tangible memories, burnt, tossed, totally obliterated from your life?

Sadly, there is no right answer; there is no “one-size fits all” theory. Hearing that you need to get over it doesn’t help, it’s not what you want to hear, you want people to tell you that she misses you and she wants you back. What if she does? What if she’s made a mistake? Should you do something? Say something? No matter how stubborn she is, if she loves you and still feels it, whether you are moping or have moved on, she will let you know, so no, don’t do any of the above. What you need to do is ask yourself, why did she end it?

  1.     If you cheated/lied repeatedly/hit her/spoke to her abusively and she has found it in her to walk away, chances are, she’s never coming back and if you displayed any of those behaviours frequently, frankly, I hope she never does.
  1.      If she walked away to focus on herself, be it to progress in her career/deal with mental/physical health issues, she needs that space, however, why did she feel that you couldn’t help her? Were you not supportive enough? Did you have your own issues that you needed to address? Maybe you were not the right person to help her, as painful as that may be, it’s not necessarily a reflection on you as a person.
  1.    The saddest and hardest possibility is that she just fell out of love with you. Nothing and no one can lessen that blow, not even her. Think back to a time when someone wanted you with every fibre of their being and you just didn’t feel the same, you weren’t being nasty or malicious, you just didn’t want them in the same way. Would you rather she held on to you and kept you around until she met someone else?

If 1 applies to you, let it go. Number 2 doesn’t mean that you should learn the dance moves to Justin Bieber’s Sorry and deliver a surprise performance at her workplace. Rather, take that time to do exactly what she is doing, focus on yourself, learn what it’s like to be without her. Maybe you will see a picture of her one day and feel nothing, maybe you will meet someone who makes you feel a million times better than she ever did and in that moment, you might thank her. As for number 3, no amount of tears, reasoning or grand gesture can make someone feel something that isn’t there, if she is no longer in that place, let her go.

Your friends and family are telling you to get over it, not because they are bored of hearing about how you’re feeling but because they see how much you are hurting and as far as they are concerned, anyone who could make you feel like this is not worth it. If deep down, you feel that she is then only time will tell, but for now just do you.

S x

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Advice, Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized

The Little Things…

LoveRomance is dead. Sure there are spurts of it here and there but it’s not what it used to be. Nowadays it is defined by the cost of a gift or the dozen white dozes that burst out of the box as he says I love you with fireworks going off in a million different directions, don’t get me wrong, I am all for the showering of gifts, however, I don’t agree with animal abuse. Yes Valentines Day is around the corner, yes everyone is talking about it, yes your girlfriend is secretly freaking out that you won’t do something that she can brag to her friends about. If you want to spend your hard earned cash on the cute little bear that will be half the price in a weeks time go for it, I won’t stop you, but why do that when you can save your money and do something that will mean so much more? 

Everyone’s idea of romance is different, some need the big gestures whilst some run from them, I am an advocate of the little things. In support, not of Valentines Day, but of love, I have devised the following five ways you can express your feelings in your relationship. They cost little to nothing and you can do them anytime of the year.

  1. Write a letter – Why does no one write letters anymore? With social media you can Tweet, Whats App, FB Message, Insta DM, there are numerous ways to contact someone immediately but there is something to be said about receiving a handwritten letter… Take a pen and paper, sit down and write how you feel. The cost of the stamp will be cheaper than the cards available and even if you just write “will you go out with me? Yes, No, Maybe”  whoever receives your love note will appreciate the thought.
  2. Make a mix CD – Do you remember sitting in your car or laying on your bed listening to the mix tape that the boy you had a crush on made for you? Every song is cringier than the last one but knowing that he sat up all night picking the perfect songs to tell you how he feels makes you smile like a goon. Be creative with it, use the songs to tell a story, or make your own CD cover.
  3. Do something out of your comfort zone – I’m not encouraging you to incorporate whips and chains in your bedroom antics (a la 50 shades), unless of course you really want to, rather I am suggesting you do something that you know your partner will enjoy and appreciate. One friend said that she would arrange a whole motor cross weekend for her significant other, even though it makes her die a little bit inside worrying for his safety, she knows this is something he loves. If you want to do something less extreme, play on the PlayStation with him, avoid FIFA, they take that way too seriously and it will result in an argument. Try Call of Duty, if you’re anything like me, your hand-eye coordination is awful and you will spend most of the night walking around in circles staring at the ceiling but, he will secretly enjoy having to save you from the zombies. 
  4. Light a candle (or 20) – Set the mood, light candles all around the room and turn the power off, put your phone on silent and hide it for the night. No Netflix, hold the chill and get a board game out, read a book together, talk about your future plans. We spend so much time with our loved ones scrolling through social media and watching endless TV series, we are together but we couldn’t be further apart. 
  5. Make something – Whether you are barefoot in the kitchen together making dinner or painting a pretty picture the conversation and creativity will make for a fun evening. Let your boyfriend do your hair and makeup, make t-shirts together, draw funny little pictures of each other, it may not be pretty but it will be a new memory.

All the gifts and gadgets may end up broken or on eBay, but, whatever happens in your relationship, whether you last the test of time or it is a short lived romance the one thing you can both walk away with is memories. So make loads  and make them count.

S x

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Advice, Blogging, Dating, Uncategorized

All the Single Ladies

That time of year is upon us once again, everywhere you turn there are hearts and flowers, lip shaped chocolates and overly priced cards. Valentine’s Day. The one and only day in the year that you can express any romantic intentions to the object of your desire, I could delve into the reasons why I am not a fan of this day, I could point out that the origin has little to do with romance, I could go on about how it is a waste of money… But I won’t.

Valentines day may be a day for the lovers but that doesn’t mean the single people out there do not exist and cannot enjoy themselves also. 

  1. Buy yourself some sexy undies – Who says that a guy has to be the one to buy you something hot? If you’ve already got a little collection wear something from it! Don’t let it sit in your underwear drawer rotting while you don your Bridget Jones blanket, if you feel sexy you will ooze confidence, and there is nothing hotter than a confident woman.
  2. Run yourself a bubble bath – For some it’s a bubble bath with a good book and a glass of wine, for others its day at the salon getting your hair and nails done, whatever it is that makes you feel relaxed do it. And no, you can’t go and egg the house of the boy that won’t call you back, that may feel like a release but it will not relax you.
  3. Give someone else a gift – There is something deeply satisfying about giving someone a gift. Think of the people you have in your life, who has been there for you? Who is down at the moment and could do with some cheering up? 
  4. Go out – Get your single friends, get dressed up and go out. Valentines day falls on Sunday this year so go out the night before and spend the next day hung over and in your PJ’s with your friends re-hashing what happened the night before. Who knows, you might find someone special while you’re out and about.
  5. Gift yourself – Have you wanted a new pair of shoes? Maybe you’ve been eyeing a really expensive perfume lately, go get it. Treat yourself because you can and you don’t need someone else to do it for you.

Remember, it is just another day in the year but if you feel like you can’t treat it as such focus your energy elsewhere, whether that is on someone else or making yourself feel good. If all else fails do like Beyonce and dance around the room in a leotard to empowering songs about rocking your own shit.

singleladies

S x

 

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Advice, Blogging, Dating

What. Do. I. Wear??

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After weeks of messaging and phone calls we’ve finally agreed on a date! I’m currently waiting for the girls to “sign off” on my outfit choice and I have yet to decide what to do with my hair! How do I greet him? Should I tell him about the time I went back packing across Europe or is that too much, will I seem like I’m trying too hard? What if I don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like me??! I should definitely do a Google search, check all social media make sure I don’t have any nasty surprises, or maybe wait to see how we get on… I’m not going to tell anyone other than the girls, for now.

I can’t believe, after all this time, I’m finally going for an interview!

I bet you thought I was going to say date. Look back over that last paragraph, based on what I have said, couldn’t it be either one?

Initial application

I’ve done both recently, gone on a date and had an interview, and even though I was not flirting with my now manager the fundamentals of the preparation and execution of an interview/date are very similar. Take, for example your CV, there are various ways to go about applying for a job, from LinkedIn to a recruitment agency, 99.9% of the time they want a copy of your CV. Think of this as your online dating profile, the concept is the same, list your credentials and past experiences in a way that paints you in the best light, it’s like a dossier of tiny white lies and half-truths. Just because you helped a little old lady cross the road one time it does not mean that you volunteer at the local day centre, and saying you are 6 ft. does not make you 6 ft.

I hate it when you apply for one job online and you find your inbox overloaded with messages from agencies sending you up to 20 vacancies a day. I did a one week stint of POF (Plenty of Fish). Never. Again. 10 messages a day, 450 notifications in five days and a genuine fear that someone wanted to wear my skin, it’s safe to say that I will stick to the old fashioned way of meeting boys.

What to wear

So, you’ve got past the initial “getting to know you phase”, all involved parties like what they see and wish to meet face to face, what will you wear? If you’re anything like me, you’ll pick several outfits and send them to your friends, be prepared for comments like “that’s too bright”, “you want something that shows off your ass, I mean, personality”, “that dress is sexy but in a professional way”. Whatever they say, the rules are simple, don’t overdo it, and leave something to the imagination. We women have certain assets at our disposal, I wish I was hinting at myself but I have the chest of a 15 year old boy, saying that, I don’t believe that this is how we should “get ahead in the world”. Imagine walking out of an interview and feeling like they were staring down your top the whole time, what would you say if you were offered that job?

Dressing for a date is slightly different, you might want that person to look down your top or admire you ass-ets, but you’re still sending out a message that you’re easy/a prude, the line is not that fine girls, it’s pretty easy to find. As for guys, avoid overdoing the aftershave, it’s much hotter when we have to lean in to smell you and please please please wear clean shoes. I cannot speak for every girl in the world, in fact, I’m probably only speaking for about 10 of them right now, but your shoes say a lot about you and turning up to a date with dirty shoes or trainers that literally flop open when you’re walking say “I don’t care” and that is not necessarily a good thing.

Research

You can see where my priorities lie, outfit first, prep later. Whatever you said on your application has caught your prospective employers eye, make sure you memorise key points from your application and have examples to back them up. Easy enough right? So how much do you know about them? When did they go into business? How successful are they as a company? What are their strengths and weaknesses? They know the answer to these questions, what they want to know is how interested you are in the role and what you have to offer. On the flipside, you can’t rock up to a date and reel off the person’s date of birth, how funny you find the FB banter they have with their friends or how hot you thought they looked in that Instagram post you found when you were 57 weeks deep. I find that meeting the person and talking to them will give you a fairly good idea of what they are like, once you know that you are attracted to them take a step back and look at (look at, not MI5 analyse) their friendship group and hobbies. Are these people that you will be willing to make bonds with? Can you support them in their goals and interests? It might sound a bit intense but they will become part of your relationship also. 

Time keeping

There may be very valid reasons for why you are late to an interview; your car broke down, you missed your train, your hair wouldn’t do what you wanted it to. Most of the time you are given 2 weeks’ notice for an interview date and time, so that means you have plenty of time to make the necessary arrangements to avoid any mishaps. A lack of punctuality gives the impression that you do not value the time of your potential employer or date, it’s just plain rude! If you know that your beard needs trimming or your legs need waxing give yourself a contingency plan, add an extra 2 hours to your prep and travel time, depending on the level of hairiness of course.

Post-date/interview

After an interview it can be good practise to contact the interviewer with a short email thanking them for their time, making it clear that you feel you are the ideal person for the role and you look forward to hearing from them. It goes without saying that a date is less formal, send a text saying you had a good time, but only if you did. It may have been the best date/interview ever, you never ran out of things to say, you were bouncing off each other, it felt really positive but what if the “spark” is not there? Don’t waste their time or your own, finding the ideal mate/job is not easy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy and learn from your experiences along the way.

S x

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Advice, Blogging, Cheating, Dating, Life Lessons

Why Do We Fuck With Fuck Boys?

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The assumption is, by definition, a Fuck Boy will fuck you up, he will consume you and leave you with mascara stained bed sheets. The urban dictionary, one of the most reliable sources known to our generation has a plethora of definitions for “Fuck Boy”. Some go as far as describing the “usual appearance” whilst other comments are dripping with so much venom that it leads you to believe they were bitten by the f boys charm. The general consensus is they are manipulative and stop at nothing to get what they want, be it s, money or just your dignity.

Key traits:

– Speaking to multiple girls, but promising it’s only you

– Acts like they want to be in a relationship but there are no efforts to do anything other than Netflix and chill

– Disappears for ages then pops up again with a “hey stranger” message and acts like everything is normal

– Thinks he can get any girl but can’t

– Thinks he’s a road man but is a side dish (doesn’t have his license and is always in the passenger side of your car or his friends)

– Relies on his mother (this is totally different to a momma’s boy)

– Thinks selling trainers is cool ( or selling any item from the comfort of his parents house)

So why, why do we do it? With all the joke meme’s and horror stories on social media, why do we play their games, knowing that we will lose?

  1. They spit a good game – This breed of man is able to charm his way into your bed, head and heart. Before you’ve even had a chance to cyber stalk and vet him properly he’ll have you thinking he’s the one, filling your head with deep and meaningful one liners that you are almost certain came from a Drake song. There may be a moment where you doubt the charm and charisma but it doesn’t last for long, they love a challenge, especially if they think they can win, which they always do.
  2. We see their potential – He got you on a date, right? He got you into bed didn’t he? You’re still seeing him a month later aren’t you? He must have done/be doing something right to get you stick around; sure it’s the bare minimum but you. Are. Still. Here. Whatever little he is doing it makes you believe that he has the potential to be more, which leads me on to the next point…
  3. We think we can change them – For some reason that we do not understand ourselves, we think that we can change a man’s bad habits, notice I didn’t say change the man? That is a common misconception; we do not want to change the person that we fell for in the first place. When it comes to a Fuck Boy, we think we see something that no one else does, we think that the sweet nothings and the small acts of love are genuine and meant solely for us. So we take these moments and we build them up in our heads and we tell ourselves that he will change his Fuck Boy ways for me, for us. Whether it is the fact that he hasn’t got a job, or he spends too much time drinking/smoking weed you think you can help him better himself.
  4. Everyone has one – Remember when you went to school and 5 kids had a Tamagotchi on Monday morning, by Friday afternoon the whole class had one and you felt like you missed the memo? That is how it is with Fuck Boys, chances are (and this depends on your age) you have already had one, if not two Fuck Boys, enter and leave your life, they were just known as something else e.g. waste man, lazy. This point is as important as the others, if not more. Every woman should have at least one Fuck Boy in her life, not for shits and giggles but because they can actually teach you something about yourself. I have learnt to trust my gut, I’d like to think I can now smell a fuck boy from a mile away, but if they ever get close enough, I now know to decipher their insincere psychobabble. And in the worst case scenario, they get what they want and leave you feeling wounded but now you know, now you won’t be fooled by the over intense charm and lack of actual emotion.
  5. They are everywhere – Seriously, everywhere. One of the prerequisites for being a Fuck Boy is a reliance on one’s mother, for food, money and general ego boosts. Well, it saddens me to say this, but there is a super breed of Fuck Boy, he is stealthier and far more likely to thrive, I call him the Fuck Man or Fuck Boy 2.0. Charming, driven, successful, interesting and exciting, all of these characteristics will strategically throw you off his Fuck Man stench. It will do you well to remember “behind every great man is a great woman”, if he is not being supported by his mother/family he almost certainly has a rich wife/girlfriend (or both) funding his image. So tell me, with a spectrum ranging from boys who are still rolling around in their best friends drive to men who pull up in Range Rovers (that probably don’t belong to them), what chance do we have?
  6. You don’t think you deserve better – On some level, you don’t think you can or should be treated better than this. Maybe you don’t think you’re hot enough or you don’t think that anyone will care for you the way Fuck Boy number 3 does and you’re right, no one will care for you like him. Someone out there is capable of giving you so much more. Why settle for late night booty calls and dates that consist only of Netflix and chill? Why degrade yourself to sneaking in and out of his bedroom window so his mum can’t see you coming in, just because 7 months in he’s not ready for you to meet the family?

These men/boys are comfortable; by doing the little that they do they are able to have regular sex without the emotional attachments. In all honesty, I can’t even be mad about it, we allow ourselves to settle and lower our standards. I say cut them off, stop making it so easy for them, at first they will move on to the next easy target but eventually, if we remove ourselves from their twisted food chain they will have to evolve. One can only hope their FB ways will die out.

S x

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