A bit intense for a Wednesday morning, but it woke me up! Beautifully written piece…
Days/weeks/months have passed and whether you’re rocking yourself backwards and forwards staring at the wall or you’ve thrown yourself into a flurry of activity, that dull ache in the pit of your stomach won’t seem to shift. Your friends say move on, get over it, your dog is sick of you moping and your bedsheets are stiff from the salty starchiness of your tears. “If I could switch my feelings off and forget about her don’t you think I would??!” you want to scream, instead you give a defeated nod and you feel like no one gets it, no one understands that you can’t cope, you can’t breathe, you can’t function without her. So what do you do? Do you tell her? Do you write out every word that gets stuck in your throat when you are around her, seal it with your tears and post it to her? Do you beg her? Or do you erase her entirely? All photos, messages, tangible memories, burnt, tossed, totally obliterated from your life?
Sadly, there is no right answer; there is no “one-size fits all” theory. Hearing that you need to get over it doesn’t help, it’s not what you want to hear, you want people to tell you that she misses you and she wants you back. What if she does? What if she’s made a mistake? Should you do something? Say something? No matter how stubborn she is, if she loves you and still feels it, whether you are moping or have moved on, she will let you know, so no, don’t do any of the above. What you need to do is ask yourself, why did she end it?
- If you cheated/lied repeatedly/hit her/spoke to her abusively and she has found it in her to walk away, chances are, she’s never coming back and if you displayed any of those behaviours frequently, frankly, I hope she never does.
- If she walked away to focus on herself, be it to progress in her career/deal with mental/physical health issues, she needs that space, however, why did she feel that you couldn’t help her? Were you not supportive enough? Did you have your own issues that you needed to address? Maybe you were not the right person to help her, as painful as that may be, it’s not necessarily a reflection on you as a person.
- The saddest and hardest possibility is that she just fell out of love with you. Nothing and no one can lessen that blow, not even her. Think back to a time when someone wanted you with every fibre of their being and you just didn’t feel the same, you weren’t being nasty or malicious, you just didn’t want them in the same way. Would you rather she held on to you and kept you around until she met someone else?
If 1 applies to you, let it go. Number 2 doesn’t mean that you should learn the dance moves to Justin Bieber’s Sorry and deliver a surprise performance at her workplace. Rather, take that time to do exactly what she is doing, focus on yourself, learn what it’s like to be without her. Maybe you will see a picture of her one day and feel nothing, maybe you will meet someone who makes you feel a million times better than she ever did and in that moment, you might thank her. As for number 3, no amount of tears, reasoning or grand gesture can make someone feel something that isn’t there, if she is no longer in that place, let her go.
Your friends and family are telling you to get over it, not because they are bored of hearing about how you’re feeling but because they see how much you are hurting and as far as they are concerned, anyone who could make you feel like this is not worth it. If deep down, you feel that she is then only time will tell, but for now just do you.
Romance is dead. Sure there are spurts of it here and there but it’s not what it used to be. Nowadays it is defined by the cost of a gift or the dozen white dozes that burst out of the box as he says I love you with fireworks going off in a million different directions, don’t get me wrong, I am all for the showering of gifts, however, I don’t agree with animal abuse. Yes Valentines Day is around the corner, yes everyone is talking about it, yes your girlfriend is secretly freaking out that you won’t do something that she can brag to her friends about. If you want to spend your hard earned cash on the cute little bear that will be half the price in a weeks time go for it, I won’t stop you, but why do that when you can save your money and do something that will mean so much more?
Everyone’s idea of romance is different, some need the big gestures whilst some run from them, I am an advocate of the little things. In support, not of Valentines Day, but of love, I have devised the following five ways you can express your feelings in your relationship. They cost little to nothing and you can do them anytime of the year.
- Write a letter – Why does no one write letters anymore? With social media you can Tweet, Whats App, FB Message, Insta DM, there are numerous ways to contact someone immediately but there is something to be said about receiving a handwritten letter… Take a pen and paper, sit down and write how you feel. The cost of the stamp will be cheaper than the cards available and even if you just write “will you go out with me? Yes, No, Maybe” whoever receives your love note will appreciate the thought.
- Make a mix CD – Do you remember sitting in your car or laying on your bed listening to the mix tape that the boy you had a crush on made for you? Every song is cringier than the last one but knowing that he sat up all night picking the perfect songs to tell you how he feels makes you smile like a goon. Be creative with it, use the songs to tell a story, or make your own CD cover.
- Do something out of your comfort zone – I’m not encouraging you to incorporate whips and chains in your bedroom antics (a la 50 shades), unless of course you really want to, rather I am suggesting you do something that you know your partner will enjoy and appreciate. One friend said that she would arrange a whole motor cross weekend for her significant other, even though it makes her die a little bit inside worrying for his safety, she knows this is something he loves. If you want to do something less extreme, play on the PlayStation with him, avoid FIFA, they take that way too seriously and it will result in an argument. Try Call of Duty, if you’re anything like me, your hand-eye coordination is awful and you will spend most of the night walking around in circles staring at the ceiling but, he will secretly enjoy having to save you from the zombies.
- Light a candle (or 20) – Set the mood, light candles all around the room and turn the power off, put your phone on silent and hide it for the night. No Netflix, hold the chill and get a board game out, read a book together, talk about your future plans. We spend so much time with our loved ones scrolling through social media and watching endless TV series, we are together but we couldn’t be further apart.
- Make something – Whether you are barefoot in the kitchen together making dinner or painting a pretty picture the conversation and creativity will make for a fun evening. Let your boyfriend do your hair and makeup, make t-shirts together, draw funny little pictures of each other, it may not be pretty but it will be a new memory.
All the gifts and gadgets may end up broken or on eBay, but, whatever happens in your relationship, whether you last the test of time or it is a short lived romance the one thing you can both walk away with is memories. So make loads and make them count.
That time of year is upon us once again, everywhere you turn there are hearts and flowers, lip shaped chocolates and overly priced cards. Valentine’s Day. The one and only day in the year that you can express any romantic intentions to the object of your desire, I could delve into the reasons why I am not a fan of this day, I could point out that the origin has little to do with romance, I could go on about how it is a waste of money… But I won’t.
Valentines day may be a day for the lovers but that doesn’t mean the single people out there do not exist and cannot enjoy themselves also.
- Buy yourself some sexy undies – Who says that a guy has to be the one to buy you something hot? If you’ve already got a little collection wear something from it! Don’t let it sit in your underwear drawer rotting while you don your Bridget Jones blanket, if you feel sexy you will ooze confidence, and there is nothing hotter than a confident woman.
- Run yourself a bubble bath – For some it’s a bubble bath with a good book and a glass of wine, for others its day at the salon getting your hair and nails done, whatever it is that makes you feel relaxed do it. And no, you can’t go and egg the house of the boy that won’t call you back, that may feel like a release but it will not relax you.
- Give someone else a gift – There is something deeply satisfying about giving someone a gift. Think of the people you have in your life, who has been there for you? Who is down at the moment and could do with some cheering up?
- Go out – Get your single friends, get dressed up and go out. Valentines day falls on Sunday this year so go out the night before and spend the next day hung over and in your PJ’s with your friends re-hashing what happened the night before. Who knows, you might find someone special while you’re out and about.
- Gift yourself – Have you wanted a new pair of shoes? Maybe you’ve been eyeing a really expensive perfume lately, go get it. Treat yourself because you can and you don’t need someone else to do it for you.
Remember, it is just another day in the year but if you feel like you can’t treat it as such focus your energy elsewhere, whether that is on someone else or making yourself feel good. If all else fails do like Beyonce and dance around the room in a leotard to empowering songs about rocking your own shit.
Break ups are incredibly difficult for everyone involved, whether you parted on good terms or it was sour farewell, it’s over. Once you get over the initial shock of no longer being the priority in that person’s life you begin the healing process. But there is one thing that could hinder this slightly, your ex. The very person that you are trying desperately to forget could be the one thing that keeps you holding on and why? For their own sick twisted pleasure? Because they are curious to see if you would ever take them back? Whatever the reason it is unfair to you and if you are the culprit in this scenario, you’re being a douche! There are certain rules that should be followed when dealing with your previous partner, it’s not rocket science but sometimes we need a little guidance…
Contact – You have said your goodbyes, you have talked/screamed/cried about why you can’t be together anymore, nothing has changed nor will it. So cut the cord and stop talking to each other, whether it’s a funny video on FB that you think he will like or a cute story about your dog that she would laugh at you cannot talk to each other anymore. Even if you are dying inside because you miss that person so much sending needy or abusive messages will not get them back. Acceptable – I guess this depends on how things were left but maybe a birthday message, other than that leave it alone. Unacceptable – Contacting an ex when you have moved on or sending a lengthy email about how much you hate them/miss them. If you are in a new found romance why are you reaching out to your ex at all? Surely your attention should be firmly on this new person. As for the hate mail, just know that your crazy psychobabble will be shown to all of their friends…
Meet ups – Why do you need to see each other? Do you even need to see each other? What good could come of meeting up? Acceptable – if you have to give each other your old belongings then one more face to face can happen, that doesn’t mean it should though, I’m sure you have friends to help you out or there is always the post. Unacceptable – If either one of you is with someone new you do not need to see each other, unless of course your new partner knows and is secure enough in your relationship that this will not be an issue. Seeing someone that you have history with can stir up feelings of nostalgia and longing or pure hatred, if you don’t end up kissing you might go into a mad blind rage and kill someone, probably your ex, and how are you going to explain that if you’re sneaking around to meet each other?! The happy medium would be confusion, being torn between those extremes and not knowing where you stand.
Family/Friends – This is difficult, especially if you share mutual friends (think Ross and Rachel from Friends). An appropriate amount of time should pass before meeting with your ex’s family; it’s great that you felt close enough to them to keep in touch post- apocalyptic breakup but if you choose to keep in touch do so without involving your ex. Acceptable – Exchanging the odd text and/or meeting for a coffee, away from the home they share with your ex. Unacceptable – Going over your exes house to watch Eastenders with their mum every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. How are they supposed to move on if you are always there? Don’t talk to your mutual friends about your ex, you’ll begin a vicious cycle of Chinese whispers or worse, hear something that you were not ready to.
Social Media – The thing about social media is it lets you peep into someone’s life undetected, that sounds a little stalker crazy but let’s face it, as soon as a friend tells you about the new office crush the first thing you do is cyber stalk to see if they meet the criteria (one bad photo can do a lot of damage guys). There was a time when you were the one in all of the pictures and you were the one they sent funny meme’s to, now you want to know who and what is happening in their life, so go ahead peep away. Acceptable – Have a cheeky browse when you feel like it, eventually you won’t feel the need to at all. Unacceptable – At no point should you ever ‘like’ or comment on something, especially if you are in a relationship. All that does is make your ex aware that you are interested in what they are doing, and why are you interested?? Is your new found love not all that you thought it would be? Are you missing what you once had? Even if your ex is not thinking this your new partner probably would.
For those of you that are dealing with the Extreme ex, the girl that sends you Intsa collages of when you were happy together or the guy threatening to beat up your new boyfriend, why are you even entertaining this behaviour? Block and delete this person from your life, better yet, from your relationship. The ‘jack in the box ex’ (the kind that likes to pop up whenever they feel like it) can cause so much drama when you are seeing someone new, receiving/reading/responding to these messages encourages them, it makes them think there is a chance to win you back or destroy whatever you have now.
Your ex is your ex for a reason, no matter how it ended your relationship was not working and neither one of you were willing to try anymore, respect each other and what you had enough to leave each other alone. It goes without saying, once you have really moved on there is no need to contact the person you once shared everything with, you have someone new to do that with.
After weeks of messaging and phone calls we’ve finally agreed on a date! I’m currently waiting for the girls to “sign off” on my outfit choice and I have yet to decide what to do with my hair! How do I greet him? Should I tell him about the time I went back packing across Europe or is that too much, will I seem like I’m trying too hard? What if I don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like me??! I should definitely do a Google search, check all social media make sure I don’t have any nasty surprises, or maybe wait to see how we get on… I’m not going to tell anyone other than the girls, for now.
I can’t believe, after all this time, I’m finally going for an interview!
I bet you thought I was going to say date. Look back over that last paragraph, based on what I have said, couldn’t it be either one?
I’ve done both recently, gone on a date and had an interview, and even though I was not flirting with my now manager the fundamentals of the preparation and execution of an interview/date are very similar. Take, for example your CV, there are various ways to go about applying for a job, from LinkedIn to a recruitment agency, 99.9% of the time they want a copy of your CV. Think of this as your online dating profile, the concept is the same, list your credentials and past experiences in a way that paints you in the best light, it’s like a dossier of tiny white lies and half-truths. Just because you helped a little old lady cross the road one time it does not mean that you volunteer at the local day centre, and saying you are 6 ft. does not make you 6 ft.
I hate it when you apply for one job online and you find your inbox overloaded with messages from agencies sending you up to 20 vacancies a day. I did a one week stint of POF (Plenty of Fish). Never. Again. 10 messages a day, 450 notifications in five days and a genuine fear that someone wanted to wear my skin, it’s safe to say that I will stick to the old fashioned way of meeting boys.
What to wear
So, you’ve got past the initial “getting to know you phase”, all involved parties like what they see and wish to meet face to face, what will you wear? If you’re anything like me, you’ll pick several outfits and send them to your friends, be prepared for comments like “that’s too bright”, “you want something that shows off your ass, I mean, personality”, “that dress is sexy but in a professional way”. Whatever they say, the rules are simple, don’t overdo it, and leave something to the imagination. We women have certain assets at our disposal, I wish I was hinting at myself but I have the chest of a 15 year old boy, saying that, I don’t believe that this is how we should “get ahead in the world”. Imagine walking out of an interview and feeling like they were staring down your top the whole time, what would you say if you were offered that job?
Dressing for a date is slightly different, you might want that person to look down your top or admire you ass-ets, but you’re still sending out a message that you’re easy/a prude, the line is not that fine girls, it’s pretty easy to find. As for guys, avoid overdoing the aftershave, it’s much hotter when we have to lean in to smell you and please please please wear clean shoes. I cannot speak for every girl in the world, in fact, I’m probably only speaking for about 10 of them right now, but your shoes say a lot about you and turning up to a date with dirty shoes or trainers that literally flop open when you’re walking say “I don’t care” and that is not necessarily a good thing.
You can see where my priorities lie, outfit first, prep later. Whatever you said on your application has caught your prospective employers eye, make sure you memorise key points from your application and have examples to back them up. Easy enough right? So how much do you know about them? When did they go into business? How successful are they as a company? What are their strengths and weaknesses? They know the answer to these questions, what they want to know is how interested you are in the role and what you have to offer. On the flipside, you can’t rock up to a date and reel off the person’s date of birth, how funny you find the FB banter they have with their friends or how hot you thought they looked in that Instagram post you found when you were 57 weeks deep. I find that meeting the person and talking to them will give you a fairly good idea of what they are like, once you know that you are attracted to them take a step back and look at (look at, not MI5 analyse) their friendship group and hobbies. Are these people that you will be willing to make bonds with? Can you support them in their goals and interests? It might sound a bit intense but they will become part of your relationship also.
There may be very valid reasons for why you are late to an interview; your car broke down, you missed your train, your hair wouldn’t do what you wanted it to. Most of the time you are given 2 weeks’ notice for an interview date and time, so that means you have plenty of time to make the necessary arrangements to avoid any mishaps. A lack of punctuality gives the impression that you do not value the time of your potential employer or date, it’s just plain rude! If you know that your beard needs trimming or your legs need waxing give yourself a contingency plan, add an extra 2 hours to your prep and travel time, depending on the level of hairiness of course.
After an interview it can be good practise to contact the interviewer with a short email thanking them for their time, making it clear that you feel you are the ideal person for the role and you look forward to hearing from them. It goes without saying that a date is less formal, send a text saying you had a good time, but only if you did. It may have been the best date/interview ever, you never ran out of things to say, you were bouncing off each other, it felt really positive but what if the “spark” is not there? Don’t waste their time or your own, finding the ideal mate/job is not easy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy and learn from your experiences along the way.
The assumption is, by definition, a Fuck Boy will fuck you up, he will consume you and leave you with mascara stained bed sheets. The urban dictionary, one of the most reliable sources known to our generation has a plethora of definitions for “Fuck Boy”. Some go as far as describing the “usual appearance” whilst other comments are dripping with so much venom that it leads you to believe they were bitten by the f boys charm. The general consensus is they are manipulative and stop at nothing to get what they want, be it s, money or just your dignity.
– Speaking to multiple girls, but promising it’s only you
– Acts like they want to be in a relationship but there are no efforts to do anything other than Netflix and chill
– Disappears for ages then pops up again with a “hey stranger” message and acts like everything is normal
– Thinks he can get any girl but can’t
– Thinks he’s a road man but is a side dish (doesn’t have his license and is always in the passenger side of your car or his friends)
– Relies on his mother (this is totally different to a momma’s boy)
– Thinks selling trainers is cool ( or selling any item from the comfort of his parents house)
So why, why do we do it? With all the joke meme’s and horror stories on social media, why do we play their games, knowing that we will lose?
- They spit a good game – This breed of man is able to charm his way into your bed, head and heart. Before you’ve even had a chance to cyber stalk and vet him properly he’ll have you thinking he’s the one, filling your head with deep and meaningful one liners that you are almost certain came from a Drake song. There may be a moment where you doubt the charm and charisma but it doesn’t last for long, they love a challenge, especially if they think they can win, which they always do.
- We see their potential – He got you on a date, right? He got you into bed didn’t he? You’re still seeing him a month later aren’t you? He must have done/be doing something right to get you stick around; sure it’s the bare minimum but you. Are. Still. Here. Whatever little he is doing it makes you believe that he has the potential to be more, which leads me on to the next point…
- We think we can change them – For some reason that we do not understand ourselves, we think that we can change a man’s bad habits, notice I didn’t say change the man? That is a common misconception; we do not want to change the person that we fell for in the first place. When it comes to a Fuck Boy, we think we see something that no one else does, we think that the sweet nothings and the small acts of love are genuine and meant solely for us. So we take these moments and we build them up in our heads and we tell ourselves that he will change his Fuck Boy ways for me, for us. Whether it is the fact that he hasn’t got a job, or he spends too much time drinking/smoking weed you think you can help him better himself.
- Everyone has one – Remember when you went to school and 5 kids had a Tamagotchi on Monday morning, by Friday afternoon the whole class had one and you felt like you missed the memo? That is how it is with Fuck Boys, chances are (and this depends on your age) you have already had one, if not two Fuck Boys, enter and leave your life, they were just known as something else e.g. waste man, lazy. This point is as important as the others, if not more. Every woman should have at least one Fuck Boy in her life, not for shits and giggles but because they can actually teach you something about yourself. I have learnt to trust my gut, I’d like to think I can now smell a fuck boy from a mile away, but if they ever get close enough, I now know to decipher their insincere psychobabble. And in the worst case scenario, they get what they want and leave you feeling wounded but now you know, now you won’t be fooled by the over intense charm and lack of actual emotion.
- They are everywhere – Seriously, everywhere. One of the prerequisites for being a Fuck Boy is a reliance on one’s mother, for food, money and general ego boosts. Well, it saddens me to say this, but there is a super breed of Fuck Boy, he is stealthier and far more likely to thrive, I call him the Fuck Man or Fuck Boy 2.0. Charming, driven, successful, interesting and exciting, all of these characteristics will strategically throw you off his Fuck Man stench. It will do you well to remember “behind every great man is a great woman”, if he is not being supported by his mother/family he almost certainly has a rich wife/girlfriend (or both) funding his image. So tell me, with a spectrum ranging from boys who are still rolling around in their best friends drive to men who pull up in Range Rovers (that probably don’t belong to them), what chance do we have?
- You don’t think you deserve better – On some level, you don’t think you can or should be treated better than this. Maybe you don’t think you’re hot enough or you don’t think that anyone will care for you the way Fuck Boy number 3 does and you’re right, no one will care for you like him. Someone out there is capable of giving you so much more. Why settle for late night booty calls and dates that consist only of Netflix and chill? Why degrade yourself to sneaking in and out of his bedroom window so his mum can’t see you coming in, just because 7 months in he’s not ready for you to meet the family?
These men/boys are comfortable; by doing the little that they do they are able to have regular sex without the emotional attachments. In all honesty, I can’t even be mad about it, we allow ourselves to settle and lower our standards. I say cut them off, stop making it so easy for them, at first they will move on to the next easy target but eventually, if we remove ourselves from their twisted food chain they will have to evolve. One can only hope their FB ways will die out.
Going through a break up has been likened to the death of a loved one; it is only when you go through the motions of mourning a relationship that you truly understand what that feels like… According to Google there are 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I can definitely relate to maybe 3 out of 5 but I found that the below model, with a few added extra’s, was much more fitting in my experience.
Dealing with a break-up as explained by Joey, Chandler and Ross – Friends.
Phase 1 -Sweat pants
Phase 2 – Strip clubs and beer
Phase 3 – Picturing yourself with other women
Phase 4 – Don’t want a relationship ever again, just sex with strippers and friends
“Sweats pants”. The first 48 hours were like something out of a Toni Braxton video, queue spontaneous tears and the inability to do anything without becoming a crumbling emotional mess. I wish I could say that I’m being dramatic, if only for my pride. Washing dishes, getting dressed making the bed, any and every activity was accompanied by giant tears and a runny nose, not my sexiest moment. Unlike Chandler, I didn’t wear the same sweat pants for a week, rather I got up showered and got back into bed, accompanied by The Notebook and proceeded to cry every 5-7 minutes. Some people think you need to dust yourself off and get on with it but I say embrace it, you will never truly get over someone if you don’t allow yourself time to mourn what you were. The sooner you go through this phase the better, especially if you don’t want everyone at work to judge you for wearing the same smelly, stained sweats for a week.
Food. This will be different for everyone, some people eat themselves into a heartbroken food coma others physically can’t keep anything down, sadly I was the latter. For days I tried to eat but my body would not allow it, it’s a good thing I have booty, eventually my body started living off of my reserved fats.
Social media. Pretty much everyone has a FB, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat (the list goes on) account, be prepared to find yourself scrolling through his/her pages up to 7 times an hour. This is what I call “self-destruction mode”, it’s almost like you want to find anything to hurt you, don’t ask me why, nothing you do or think at this point makes any sense. You need to binge and purge, scroll until your thumb falls off and if that isn’t enough switch hands, now comes the hard part… Delete him/her from any and all social media, the less you see them the less you will think of them. Do it!
“Drunk at the strip club”. I can honestly say that I don’t know anyone who goes to a strip club, it’s the 21st century and surely everyone just uses porn… Unless it’s Magic Mike I have no interest in strippers or using porn! I did however have a sudden urge to go out. For girls, a night out is more than drinking, it’s about being with your friends, getting dressed up and making yourself look and feel good, dancing because you haven’t got a care in the world and laughing at the awful chat up lines that get thrown your way. If you hit this stage you are on your way to recovering, just make sure you’ve deleted their number; it’s the best way to avoid drunk dialling.
Reminiscing. Whether you keep a diary or your friends have to sit you down and give you a play by play of the times you moaned about your relationship, you need to take a walk down memory lane. You will find that right now, right when it’s fresh, you have only good memories but why did you break up? Why wasn’t it working? Did they cheat? Did they give up on you? Were you tired of having the same argument?
“Picturing yourself with other women”. Like a lot of women I can appreciate the beauty of other ladies, my ultimate girl crush is Eva Mendes for anyone who’s interested. However, I would not say that I have imagined myself with her, at any point, ever. I would have to say that I am not quite there yet, I’m old fashioned and prefer to know someone for a while before I imagine them naked or us simultaneously naked together. Don’t rush this, sure, you need to get under someone to get over your ex but don’t force it.
“Not wanting a relationship ever again and only wanting to have sex with strippers and your friends”. It is safe to say that I will not be having sex with my friends as the guys are in relationships and the girls are girls. Not wanting a relationship ever again is a big statement; I don’t want a relationship right now…
It will take time; one day you will find that you haven’t thought about him/her for half an hour, then a whole day and eventually a week, celebrate these small victories because you will see them again, be it on social media (I did tell you to delete them) or face to face. You may even find yourself in the arms of someone else and it still won’t fill the void of that person, be prepared to feel like you have taken two giant steps back. You don’t know how long it will take to get over someone or what it will take, just do what feels right and give it time. I know it’s the biggest cliché in the world, and I wanted to punch anyone who said it but “time heals all wounds”.
Jacob had been single for a few months when he decided to join Tinder, like most guys in their early 20’s he had a busy work and social life, so his methods for meeting girls was pretty limited. Having been on a few dates already when he came across Gemma he had no qualms about speaking to her or meeting her a few days after they matched.
A sales assistant in the local shopping center, she seemed like a quiet, down to earth, slightly shy girl, in spite of the “slightly provocative photos” used on her Tinder profile. The first few weeks flew by in a honeymoon tinted blur as they drifted into what seemed like a fairly happy relationship.
On a night out her phone was stolen and naturally she was very distressed as there was a lot of personal information on it so Jacob offered her an old phone to use temporarily. Now, there are some guys out there who often go one step further when trying to help a damsel in distress and Jacob is no exception. A week later he offered to help her pay for half of a new phone, under the stipulation that she would pay him back later or over time.
Ladies, imagine this, you’ve gone on an app with a slightly seedy reputation yet you’ve met a guy who barely knows you but is willing to pay £500 towards a new phone for you, surely you would appreciate his kindness and want to express your gratitude in any way possible. So if I told you that Gemma was posting half naked pictures of herself on Facebook and Instagram which Jacob was uncomfortable with you would assume that she heard him out right? Instead of trying to understand why the guy she was seeing didn’t like her pictures she got agitated with him and refused to change for anyone. Guys, how would you feel if every time you were on Facebook you saw one of the locals asking your girlfriend to sleep with him and send personal pictures? Or what if she was really cagey about her phone when you were with her and she was incredibly close to a guy who would often visit her in the evening, you’d get suspicious wouldn’t you?
One night she told Jacob that her friend wanted her to help out with the promo for a club in London, he didn’t think anything of it, especially as she was continuing to message him hourly. At around four a.m. she called him to say that her drink had been spiked and she was coming home, he told her that he would meet her at her house so he could look after her. When Jacob arrived “it was clear that something was up, she was acting very weirdly and was clearly intoxicated” at one point, whilst looking for a hairclip, she emptied the contents of her bag and out fell lingerie and condoms. Obviously shocked, Jacob asked what happened, she fobbed him off with a lame story about how some guys followed her and her friend back to a hotel room and they must have spiked her drink before falling asleep. At this point Jacob had had enough of the half truths so he did what anyone would do in this situation, he went through her phone. I could go off on a tangent about the ethics of going through someone’s phone but that is a whole different blog topic, however, I will say this, if your partner feels the need to check on who you are talking to you need to ask yourself why. As expected, Jacob found that she had actually been messaging a guy about coming to his hotel room and partying with him and his friends in exchange for money. There were also numerous videos and pictures of her having sex with other men and messages exchanging these videos, all of which took place whilst Jacob was seeing her. When he tried to confront her she became incredibly aggressive so he left, since then he has received threatening text messages from her and her male friends, accusing him of stealing her wedding ring, which is probably a ploy to avoid paying him the £500 she owes him for her phone.
Jacob didn’t share his story to prove that Tinder is a bad dating choice, this situation could have happened if they met in a club or on the street, rather, the moral to this story is listen to your gut and pay attention to the warning signs. A girl can be hot without using racy pictures to get your attention, when you are uncomfortable about the kind of attention she is attracting she will do something about it if she is a genuine person and anyone who lets you give them £500 after a few weeks of knowing them is shady in my eyes.
You live and you learn, at least I’m still trying to…
“Let me tell you about the guy who had the foot fetish. This weirdo wanted to meet me to rub my feet and massage them. He then proceeded to tell me that he wants to lick them dirty or clean. I told him I had a lot of toe jam, he didn’t seem to mind and wanted to touch them anyways. I told him I would run my feet all over him, thinking he was kidding, but he sure wasn’t. He really wanted to love them. Then he tells me that he wants F them… what the heck! It reached the point I told him he was sick and had to go.” – With love from Canada x
Sharing is Caring
Living in a shared house can be taxing at times, especially when you don’t get on with your housemates. Once you have all bonded life is a little easier, you take it in turns to buy toilet paper, you share your cutlery and ice cream, I used to spend evenings watching Sex & The City with my housemate, well, she watched whilst I painted my nails.
Over in Thailand, Meg* met a guy through Tinder, they hooked up but it didn’t really go anywhere, imagine her surprise when a few weeks later she bumped into the same guy who her housemate had hooked up with (also via Tinder) on her way to the bathroom! As if that wasn’t awkward enough Casanova did the only thing any red blooded male would do in that situation, he suggested a threesome. I think it’s safe to say he didn’t visit that house again! (Surely he would have got a sense of deja vu when he walked in…)
Doctor of Love
Back on our side of the pond, Phoebe had matched with a guy and even though he had messaged her she hadn’t got back to him yet. At the doctor surgery, she was told that her usual GP was unavailable and she would have to see Dr Smith, you guessed it, Dr Smith was her recent match that she had ignored. Neither one mentioned that they recognized each other, probably something to do with doctor patient confidentiality…
Looks can be deceiving
During my short stint on Tinder I found that even though a guy would have about 5 photos he only looked like the same person in 2, I put it down to lighting but still swiped left. One evening I got the following text message: “While flicking through it with Lee one day he showed me this amazingly beautiful girl with killer cheekbones and glamour girl boobs, I was like wow she is amazing, then he pointed to her name! It was only… from… Now I’m not saying she’s not pretty but it would be like expecting to meet up with Angelina Jolie and getting Abi Branning. So forever more that shot down our faith that anyone looks like they actually say on Tinder!!”.
We are forever learning that it is a very small world so you don’t know when or where you may bump into a fellow swiper, for about 2 weeks I was genuinely paranoid that any man that looked at my face for that split second longer had seen me on Tinder. My GP is female, I have no housemates, I hate when ANYONE touches or even looks at my feet and I no longer use the app so no one can accuse me of not looking like me on purpose (unless you’re on my Instagram, then I can’t make any promises). I’m safe from the Tinder drama’s but I’ll share yours, if you’ll let me, keep an eye out for a success story.
*All names have been changed or not shared to protect the participants anonymity