Work is much more interesting when you get along with your colleagues, you share anecdotes about your weekend, exchange recipes for healthy living and debate who would be better in a relationship, Captain America or Thor. One Tuesday morning I found myself seriously struggling with this decision, my colleague and I came to the conclusion that it’s more about where you are in your life than who you fancy (both of them, I fancy both of them).
“I Need a Hero” is a series of posts dedicated to the various stages in your life, from your Uni years to the successful career-oriented woman. I will attempt to find the right superheros for each phase and present you with my idea of what a relationship with them would look like, you will be given their dating stats and a brief summary of how you’d meet. Almost like a battle of the fittest, only it has little to do with actual fitness…
*Disclaimer: I am not a superhero/Marvel/ Justice League/Avengers expert, I am merely a woman who enjoys action filled films with men in tight outfits. If my “facts” are incorrect I accept any criticism or correction. Enjoy!
Early 20’s/ Uni years: You could be in full-time education or working a 9-5, chances are, you go out every weekend and cry about boys just as much as any 20 year old. Being away from the social stigmas created in school your idea of what is attractive may change, (drastically) you may even find yourself on either end of a very strange spectrum: Geeky Boy Vs Dad Complex. Hear me out, going out with what was considered a “geek” was frowned upon in school and sadly you may have cared too much what other people thought, same can be said about dating someone considerably older. Now, in the judgement free period of your 20’s you can do what you like with who you like.
Based on the above information, I felt that Spider-man and Wolverine were the best contenders.
Real name: Peter Parker
Height: 5 ft 10
Weight: 11 st 7
Age: for the purpose of this post 21
Build: slim/athletic (think gymnast).
Typical attire: slim jeans, a graphic tee with an open checked shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, a pair of converse and a pair of glasses.
Powers: superhuman strength and reflexes, able to lift more than 12 tonnes, all of his senses are incredibly heightened, makes his own super strong webs.
Day job: Photographer.
Temperament: mild-mannered, sweet, can be playful when he is comfortable with you, but if you’re going by the films he’s far cheekier when he’s not played by Toby McGuire.
Intelligence: academically gifted.
Backstory: Orphaned at a young age Peter Parker was raised by his elderly aunt and uncle, he was clumsy and the epitome of geek. His bad eyesight and shyness meant he was considered the bottom of the high school food chain. On a school trip one day he was bitten by a radioactive spider, hence his spider-like abilities, he soon discovered he could see and became hot overnight (because taking your glasses off automatically makes you hot?!). Being the intelligent young man he is, he didn’t shed his shy boy demeanor overnight, rather he kept his usual appearance up to mask his heroic activities.
Peter Parker aka Spider-man was the smart boy you sat next to when you were given assigned seating in science. Whether you want to admit it or not at some point you developed a crush on him, his intelligence and shyness drew you in and you scribbled his name in the back of your notebook when you thought no one was watching. You realise you fancy him so you stage a study session before a big exam, when you’re a little high on red bull and sweets you blurt out that you like him and you share a rather cute, slightly awkward, first kiss.
All soft and sweet, Spider-man looks at you like you are the only girl in the world, he buys you milkshakes when you are sad and sends you messages riddled with emojis. He will teach you things that seem trivial to most, but looking at his excited face while he explains ionising radiation makes your heart hurt. Possibly the nicest guy you will ever meet (for at least the next three years) alas, either you will outgrow him or he will get overwhelmed with hiding who he is and what he does and you will get hurt. And when I say “hurt” I mean he has to choose between saving you and stopping a giant building from falling and killing hundreds of other people, so you die and he’s heartbroken for the rest of his life.
Real name: James Howlett AKA Logan
Height:5 ft 3 – According to the comic, but Hugh Jackman is 6 ft 1.
Weight: 14 st
Age: over a century old but looks like he’s in his late 30’s.
Build: stocky, yet lean and incredibly toned for a man his age.
Typical attire: bootcut jeans, heavy steel-cap boots, a white vest and a leather jacket.
Powers: natural healing powers, six retractable claws (three in each hand), enhanced agility and reflexes.
Day job: Lumberjack.
Temperament: hot tempered (don’t piss him off), a man’s man and very hard to read.
Intelligence: Over a century old… He’ll know a few things.
Backstory: Wolverine, ever the man of mystery, has several stories about his past but we’ll go with this one for now. A mutant whose abilities became present when his biological father attacked and killed Wolverine’s brother, he in turn killed his father ( I couldn’t make this up!). He went on to enlist in World Wars I and II, later, he becomes part of the CIA before being recruited by Team X, a black ops unit. He is chipped so they can control him mentally and is used for testing for several years. Eventually he breaks free and is pretty mentally damaged, some time later he is reluctantly recruited by the X-Men.
Wife-beaters and excessive drinking are not for everyone but if you’re over the quiet quaintness of boys your age and you’re seeking that father figure who is the furthest thing from fatherly Wolverine is where it’s at. Eternally angry about something (you would be too if your body was pumped full of titanium and your memory was wiped clean) you’d probably be drawn in by his giant motorbike and permanent scowl.
You’d meet at a bar you have no business being in, some greasy perve would try to feel you up and when you say no he’d raise his hand, along comes Wolverine. Afterwards, he’d check you over, ask if you’re OK, give you a shot to calm your nerves and BAM! You’re totally smitten. He has no interest in you, but you don’t care, he’s older and mysterious and he saved your face. You spend the rest of the night following him around like a puppy, hoping he’ll take you on a ride on the back of his bike, smelling the mixture of leather, sweat and beer coming from his jacket. Basically obsessing over a man who doesn’t want you (sound familiar??). I’m sorry to tell you, Wolverine has no interest in a 20 year old, he needs a sassy woman who can hold her own, but you go ahead, hold on to that older man fantasy, just don’t expect this hero to help you fulfill it.
Whoever you find yourself more attracted to, both these romances will be short-lived, while Spider-man is more likely to actually touch you, Wolverine is appealing because, well, he won’t (you know how much you love a challenge). It doesn’t matter who you choose, Spider-man would become the boy you once loved and you’d get bored of chasing Wolverine.
Personally, I’d probably pick Spidey, I feel like once he adjusts to the idea of having a girlfriend he’d be quite funny and I don’t mind someone buying me sweet treats. Whereas, Wolverine and I would clash regularly, what would happen when my period is due and I get moody?? Would we just sit in bed in silence, both scowling at the ceiling? No, thank you!
Next time, we welcome Deadpool and Superman to the mix.