It is often said that there are 3 sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth… Between the cheater, cheated and the other man/woman it is not fair to say one is more honest than the other. But, before we delve into the politics of cheating let’s have a look into how the “other women” felt, maybe it will answer questions that you have often wanted to ask.
Q – How did you meet? A – At work, he was 8 years older and had a senior position. I started working with him a year after I joined the company,I had to have monthly review meetings with him so we were communicating frequently.
Q– Did you know that he was in a relationship/married? A – I knew he was married
Q – Was he happy in his relationship? A – At first it seemed like he was content in his relationship, but as I spent more time with him I learnt that there was not much left of the marriage and they were both unhappy with each other (or so he said)
Q – Who made the first move? A – We started spending more and more time together after work and had long phone conversations, it felt innocent as none of us admitted to the reason behind it all. One day he told me that he liked me, that’s when the can of worms opened and i knew I couldn’t pretend any more.
Q – Are you still with him? A – No
Q – How did it end? A – He wanted commitment and a marriage (ironic, considering he was the married one and I was single). I wasn’t prepared for the baggage (4 kids). He tried to push me to commit to him and marry him in secret but I didn’t want to and realized he wasn’t for me. It was just a short term thing for me. I tried to keep it going and wanted things to be the way they were before (meeting for secret lunches, long phone calls) he wanted more though so I finished it. He said that if I wasn’t prepared to give him commitment he didn’t want to continue.
Q – What did you do together (what kind of dates?) A – Lunch dates, cinema trips, Dinner dates, sight seeing in Europe (he took me away for the weekend)
Q – Did you love him? A – I thought I loved him at the time.
Q – Would you be with him if he was single? A – Not now, no.
Q – Do you still speak? A – Only when I have to, he owes me £1.5
It’s safe to say that situation didn’t end well… Regardless of how “unhappy” he was in his marriage “it was just a short term thing” seems a cold and detached way to describe an affair with a married father of four. Had I not known this person I would assume that she couldn’t care less about what she had done, but the reality of it is she cried and agonized over her situation for a long time, it’s easy to point fingers and make judgments but you never know where life will take you or what you might end up doing.
The below experience is very similar, it is no better or worse that the previous interview it just provides a different perspective.
Q – How did you meet? A – At work, he was in a different team but we had to work together for several projects.
Q – Did you know that he was in a relationship/married? A – Yes, one of the first things he told me was that he had a long term girlfriend.
Q – Was he happy in his relationship? A – Whenever he talked about his partner it was in a positive light, their relationship seemed pretty perfect, always trying new things together but able to maintain a balance that allowed them plenty of time apart to pursue their own hobbies.
Q – How did it make you feel knowing that regardless of how happy he was in his relationship that he still wanted you? A – Cheap. No one wants to be the second choice, and that’s exactly what I was. He showered me with compliments, made me feel like I was the most attractive, captivating and funny woman in the world but somehow I always felt like the worst version of myself.
Q – Who made the first move? A – He did. He made several first moves but I didn’t want to believe that someone as happy and ‘committed’ would be making advances.
Q – What do you mean several first moves? A – He’d take me out for lunch but we’d end up doing something random and quite sweet like dancing in a park or climbing a tree or he’d send an ambiguously flirty message then tell me outright that he wanted me.
Q – Are you still with him? A – Was I ever really with him? No, is the simple answer, we are no longer involved.
Q – How did it end? A – I told him that we couldn’t continue seeing one another, I knew he wasn’t going to end his relationship and I didn’t really want him to, at least not for my benefit, so I ended it.
Q – What did you do together (what kind of dates?) A – We went on long walks around secret gardens, had cozy pub dinners, went for cocktails, the cinema… Fairly normal dates.
Q – Did you love him? A – Can I skip this one? … Getting over him was incredibly painful and I never thought that it would hurt as much as it did when it ended, so on some level I guess you could say I did.
Q – Would you be with him had he been single? A – No, I can’t trust him.
Q – Do you still speak? A – We don’t speak regularly, we have no reason to but I wouldn’t malice him.
Q – Did his partner ever find out? A – Not to my knowledge, but I do feel like she would have her suspicions…
Q – Do you feel any remorse? A – Of course! I have always said that I would never cheat, and just because I wasn’t in a relationship it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t helping someone else be unfaithful.
Q – Thinking purely about how you felt about him, would you do it again? And why? A – No, as messed up as this will sound, he lied to me. I asked him if he had ever cheated before and he said he hadn’t but after we finished I found out that he had been having “an affair” with me and hooking up with several other people… Serves me right.
Just because he wasn’t married and children weren’t involved it doesn’t make it any less wrong. It sounds to me as is if her heart was broken, do I think she deserved it? No, but getting involved with someone who is already taken only ever ends with heartache and you can’t guarantee that it won’t be yours.
In summation, if there are three sides to every story does that apply to an affair? Who is telling “the truth”? Honestly? I think that when a man or a woman tells someone other than their partner that they love them, in that moment it is the truth, or at least they believe it to be. When the other man/woman says that this is the last time they will meet their lover in secret, they mean it, until the next time. And finally, when the cheated partner denies ever knowing or suspecting infidelity they badly want to believe their own words.
For the final installment of Cheater, Cheater Compulsive Eater we will be talking to The Cheated, if you have any questions or comments please let me know on Twitter @88Shaunna or comment below.