Once a cheater always a cheater..?
After learning that someone has been unfaithful the one thing you want to know is “why”, I took the time to meet with an old friend to discuss that very question in an attempt to delve a little deeper into the thought process of someone who has cheated.
Dean and Stacey worked together and had been dating for about a year when Ayesha joined the team, she was also in a long term relationship and the total opposite of Stacey. Where Stacey was shy and sweet with porcelain skin and auburn hair Ayesha was rude, flirtatious and a lover of the lime light with dark features.
Q – Would you agree with the term “once a cheater always a cheater”? A – Not at all, not every partner is the same; just because I have cheated it doesn’t mean that every man out there will.
Q – Have you cheated again since or been tempted to? A – No.
Q – Why were you unfaithful? A – We shouldn’t have been together at that point, I had wanted to end it with Stacey for some time but I just couldn’t do it… It sounds harsh but the affair suited us [me and Ayesha] as there was no commitment and no real risk.
Q – Did you feel guilty or regret? A – I felt guiltier about the fact that there were people hiding it for me, people at work who were my close friends but I knew they would never say anything. As for regret… Not really as no one got hurt, Stacey never knew and it ended amicably.
Q – Did you love your girlfriend or Ayesha? A – I still cared for her… But I never loved Ayesha, it was more about the excitement.
Q – Have you ever been cheated on or witnessed someone being unfaithful? A – I’ve not been cheated on to my knowledge (he looks dubious). But when I was 18, a friend of mine was away on holiday for 2 weeks; whilst he was gone his girlfriend was having an affair with our mutual friend. I approached him and told him that he would have to come clean after my girlfriend at the time insisted I said something, he actually asked me to tell our friend when he returned.
Q – Did you ever think that you would be capable of cheating? A – I don’t think anyone does, I never set out to cheat it.
Q – Would you say that there are signs to look out for when someone is playing away? A – It depends on the living situation, if you live with your partner and they’re not coming home or coming in a lot later than normal then that’s going to make you suspicious. But you can’t generalize, anyone is capable.
Q – How long did the affair go on for and how did it end? A – We saw each other for about 3 months, it naturally fizzled out, and we decided to end it.
Sitting across from Dean it’s not clear if he feels the weight of what he did, maybe because he wasn’t caught or maybe because it happened over 6 years ago but I knew him then and I know him now. He was young, reckless and selfish and that is no excuse but I’d like to think that he knows himself well enough to step away from a relationship before being unfaithful again.
I have met people who have been painfully unhappy and needed to escape from the strain of their situation, or others who were in full and loving relationships but loved the thrill of cheating or just the variety of different partners. Some people stray out of boredom and others purely because the opportunity has presented itself, whatever the circumstance, you are risking hurting someone you care for deeply, opening yourself to STI’s and making everyone in your life see you in a totally different, and potentially, very ugly light.
As for “The Ayesha” in these situations… I remember her turning to Stacey once and saying that there is no way she would ever let her partner say no to her in the bedroom, knowing full well that Dean had been with her the night before and the night before that (so that was probably why he was saying no). She would often give Stacey ‘advice’ on how to deal with her relationship woes as if they were the best of friends, and when confronted about it she would shrug it off. Who does that??!!!
Look out for the next post where I will be talking to the misters/mistresses, if you have a question let me know on twitter (@88Shaunna) or comment below.